Hi everyone,
Thanks for all your sharing yesterday in cell as we discussed about "The Compulsion for Completion". If you are unable to join us, here's a link to the video.
I really hope that this series on relationships will really bless you as it has blessed me, as it provides us with the opportunity and platform to reflect on our own relationships, gather some insights as well as help us further enhance our relationships. The following discussion is based on Dr Les and Leslie Parrott's book "Relationships".
What's the Big Deal with Relationships?
But before we begin, really, what's the big deal with relationships? I may not know, but if you ask me, I would guess that maybe books on relationships will never "go out of fashion" simply because we all know the fact that it is so real in our lives, something that we have to deal with every single day from the moment we get out of bed (if fact, relationships can even get to us even while we are still in bed thinking).
Of course, before we go on here, for clarity's sake, it would be good to define our scope of discussion. Just like how we went about yesterday's discussion, we clarified that we would be focusing here on human-to-human relationship and not relationships of "other kind", as we jokingly mentioned, to handbags or cars etc. And the relationships we would be referring to here is not just husband-wife relationships but relationships of all form, between parent and child, between friends, between us and colleagues and our superiors etc.
But really, if we were to ask this question: "What's the big deal with relationships?", what would your response be? Your response might include some, if not all or most of the following:
- A Basic Need - We need relationships because no man's an island and in our basic make-up, we have a need for love, affection, sense of belonging and dependence on others;
- God Commands Us - Relationships are important because we are commanded to "Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:39, NIV). Jesus further emphasized in John 13:34-35 (NIV) "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
- Connection & Intimacy - We need relationships because it makes us human as we are able to connect with someone else, share our inner world and experience closeness and intimacy;
- Companionship in Life - We need relationships because it makes the journey of life less lonely knowing that we journey together. As it is written in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 (NIV):
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
- Continuity of this World - We need relationships because you can't imagine how we would be destroying ourselves if this world is full of hate of one another;
- Complement & Completion - We need relationships because we feel that the other person would complement or even complete us;
- Peace - Relationships are important because one can really be in turmoil when relationship goes foul;
- Growth - We need relationships because it is through it that we can grow as we learn from others and also allow others the permission to speak into our lives, and
- Learning to be Christ-like - Lastly, as I ponder about it, I seem to also realise how we need relationships because, how else can we learn to be Christ-like except through learning to relate and love God's people, even though how imperfect they may seem.
It was little wonder how during worship, I came to realise God's amazing love for us, even though we seem so unworthy, as we sang the song "Forever Reign":
You are good, You are good... When there's nothing good in me...
You are hope, You are hope...You have covered all my sin...
You are true, You are true... Even in my wandering
You are here, You are here... In Your presence I'm made whole
The Compulsion VS Desire for Completion
But even as we inspect the list of reasons why relationship may be important to us, there is one which we focused on yesterday, about the compulsion for completion.
As Trina has shared yesterday, there is nothing wrong having the desire to be complete because it is good to want to be complete. But when it becomes a compulsion, so much so we start grabbing on everything except the right source to complete us, it becomes a problem. In the video, Dr Les and Leslie Parrott mentioned if we try to build intimacy with somebody else BEFORE we have done the hard work of getting whole on our own, all our relationships will be an attempt to complete ourselves and they will fall flat. Now read that again to see if you get it.
The Compulsive Self-Talk Within
Do you know that we are talking to ourselves every single moment in our mind, making statements, asking questions and even making evaluations of ourselves and others. Psychologists, counsellors and social workers would call this "self-talk". And in this compulsion, it's kind of like saying to yourself "I'll feel more as a person when..." and you can fill this blank. And this continuation can be "... people praise me" or "I am around this person", kind of like Anne in the video.
Now, as we discussed yesterday, there is nothing wrong with e.g. wanting affirmation from our bosses for hard work done but it becomes a problem when our sense of worth, identity and significance rest solely on that. It is like our self worth will fluctuate up and down depending on our bosses' mood that day and if he would or would not praise us. There is nothing wrong from wanting to please our loved ones, but when we go all out to do that just to feel more complete/significant as a person, then it might be a sign of something that needs fixing.
This is a different issue from just being different and complementing one another e.g. how one person is more meticulous while another is creative and how they can work together. Rather it is about the compulsion in us that focuses on completion via another rather than a healthy belief on how others can complement us. In a complementing relationship, I would guess that a person's world may not crumble when the other person exits as much than in a "compulsion for completion" relationship.
I am kind of reminded once again of a struggle that I have for a long time, but to a lesser degree now. For many years, I built my life and my significance on affirmations and praises from others and this carried on for many years. But one day, God knows that it was not getting healthy for me and so came a trial where everything came crashing down within the same period. It was a painful lesson but yet, I am able to come to realisation and even in the process came back to the Lord because of it. Though I have yet to completely overcome it, with little bouts of attack now and then in my relationships, work and even ministry, I am more in tune with this kind of self-talk and know that I can build my sense of worth on someone greater and eternal, God. In recent years, I have also come to realise how God can also do His restorative work in this area, through His church, His community, the spiritual family He has given us. Yes, this community is made up of imperfect people but let's also remember that this community is also made up of people who love God and His people and who would offer of themselves and their life experiences and giftings; allowing God to work in and through them.
The A-Frame Relationship
Perhaps, an illustration would help here. I kind of like the "A-frame relationship" analogy used by Dr Parrott to illustrate this. In trying to find a good image, I kind of like the following image I found on the net which kinds of say it all:
You can hear him speak about the "A-Frame Relationship" in a video here, taken from his website.
Source: http://www.realrelationships1.com/videos/CR/parrottT1005.php
Out of this interesting illustration, something did hit me: Your relationships can only be as healthy as the least healthy person in them.
The Compulsive Need to be Needed
And in such a relationship, as there are two sides of an "A", so there could also be 2 lies/erroneous self-talk in it. One, the lie that "I NEED this person to be COMPLETE" is already covered quite substantially here. But yet, there is also another possible lie, which I do sometimes also encounter in my line of work with some volunteer and this is the lie that "If this person needs ME, I will be COMPLETE". Again, there is nothing wrong in wanting to feel that one has significance but when it goes to the other extreme where it becomes a strong need or compulsion for completion via this lie, then again, it would not be healthy.
Reviewing our Relationships
I believe that many of us may need to review our relationships to see if we have either of these lies in them. Being in an "A-frame" relationship not only is unstable but may also, as I ponder, provide the lack of motivation for us to grow as a person since we are "completed" momentarily; there is just no impetus to address parts of us that needs addressing. I would think that we should always be on the lookout for relationships where we will not compulsively need that person but yet can be challenged to grow as a person.
Working Towards Wholeness
Each of our journeys to wholeness is unique but in the video Drs Parrott suggests 4 principles to working towards wholeness...
- Heal our hurts
I would believe none of us are without hurts. Big or small hurts, we can perhaps remember someone who has hurted us in the past, either intentionally or unintentionally.
And yet, we know that we are to forgive and such reminders can be found all throughout the bible. But none can say it better than Colossians 3:13 (NIV) "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.".
No one says that forgiveness is easy. Forgiveness is not condoning what was done. It is going to take some time and also strength from God. As Benny Ho mentioned, forgiveness is a "willing not a feeling". I can't imagine God forgiving us based on His feelings. But no! He is willing to forgive us as we confess our sins and repent.
In the same way, I guess the first step is a willingness to forgive; to refuse to let ourselves be trapped by our hurts and release ourselves from the pain, all with the help of God. Go on, do it for yourself, if not for the person. And yes, sometimes the hurt and hate comes back to haunt us again and again, much like a video playback in our minds, sometimes even with surround sound! And that's all the more we need God to help us go through it.
I am reminded of the story of Corrie Ten Boom who lost her beloved sister in WWII after being tormented in a German concentration camp. And yet, in 1947, when she was speaking on God's forgiveness in Munich, she was presented the circumstance where she was approached by a man, who she recognised was one of the guards who mistreated her and her sister, asking for her forgiveness. You can read more in the article "How can I Forgive?". What would you do if you were presented with a "Corrie Ten Boom" moment today?
It's interesting how God showed me this valuable lesson just yesterday, before cell, when I was approached by an auditor from my funding organisation to audit me. But I found myself in a "Corrie Ten Boom" situation because this was the very person who I felt backstabbed me during my attachment many years ago. I was still concerned how I would behave towards her when she comes. Will it be awkward? Will I be phoney? But thank God, that I was able to just interact with her and talk to her naturally and it seemed mutual. Did I have the ability to do it? I think not and I only can thank God for that. But yet, I am reminded how I have other hurts, some as recent as weeks ago, which I need to deal with, even though I am not very willing.
Do you have a hurt which is holding you back from the life that God has for you? Do you have a hurt which keeps playing back and it seems so difficult to shake off? Then take this time to pray and commit it to God, because you cannot do it on your own. If not dealt with, you will continue your life with this sting holding you back in your relationships, waiting to be triggered again and again. And it will not be surprising how the same unresolved hurt will keep resurfacing and repeating itself again and again.
- Remove Your Masks
I choose to believe that no one intentionally puts on a mask. Masks might be a way to make ourselves feel better as we project a self which is not our real self and try our best to keep up that pretense. And yet, this could be an attempt to again complete ourselves because we feel we need to be that self to be accepted. It might be caused by our upbringing or even past hurts where we are taught that it is a mistake to be real because we become vulnerable.
But think about it, what's the effect of this coping mechanism? I can only think how relationships in such a life can be rather shallow because effort is just sent on keeping the alternative persona(s) rather than on building deep relationships. And it is tiring. It is also very difficult to have deep relationships because people will sooner or later come to realise how your real self is just so incongruent with the projected self and may just feel disappointed, threatened and distance themselves. Even if someone comes along and wants to get to know the real you, they will eventually give up if the pretense continues. The result is often confusion, frustration with the lack of deep relationships, tiredness and even possible bitterness with how things always turn out.
- Sit in the Driver's Seat
The next thing Drs Parrott suggest is to take the driver's seat. It's easy to be passive and to move through life forever reacting to circumstances. But, if we are to want to turn things around, we need to be proactive and start doing something about it ourselves, even to seek out help e.g. with a pastor, with healing and wholeness, share with our PAP (Prayer & Accountability Partners) and allowing them to speak into our lives without being too defensive, recognising that it is shared in good faith to help us grow. Sitting down to watch a film, reading a book, attending a seminar, listening to a sermon and seeing a therapist are good, but it is not going to help until we do the hard work of being whole.
- Rely on God
But ultimately, rely on God because only God can meet our ultimate needs, not anyone else. No one can ever fill all our needs except for God. I do feel it's good here to qualify that needs are different from wants, or so we learnt in foundational social work studies in university. Many things which we feel are our needs are actually our wants; we won't die if we do not have it. But yet, there are things which we need and God, who created us, knows us and what we need. I like something written in the leader's guide for this session: "Only God can ultimately and consistently love us when we are moody, when we make mistakes, and when we feel rejected and unloved by the person we counted on the most".
And here is Dr Leslie Parrott with "one lesson to transform every relationships":
Source: http://www.realrelationships1.com/videos/CM/parrottT1004.php
My prayer for you, as I prepared for the session yesterday is this, uttered by Paul in Ephesians 3:17-19 (NIV) "(so that) Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. "
I pray that (i) not only will Christ dwell in you, (ii) that you will come to realise how wide, long and high and deep He loves you, (iii) that you have power as you are together with God's people and (iv) be filled with all the FULLNESS of God. Only when you realise how you are so loved by God that you will have this profound sense of significance. Only God can complete you and give you to power to be filled to His completion. So where are you looking for completion?
I sincerely pray that may what has been written be not of just human wisdom, but that it will go forth in God's power to change your life and many others as He inspires me to write this. Take care and God bless you!
James
