Chopsticks or Drumsticks

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Reflection: I saw a youth walking around with two sticks in his hands. Though they look like chopsticks, I knew they are drum sticks. But had I not known about drums, it would have puzzled me why he is walking around with chopsticks.

And I started to come to appreciate how God loves you and me. Do you know that He loves you, and you have been blessed to be able to know Him and now understand His love in your life?

"For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ". (2 Cor 4:6 NKJV)

It is God who chose you and me and gave us revelation of who He is. And after He shoned this light, and we responded in faith, we are no longer blinded. We no longer need see drum sticks as chopsticks, which is indeed puzzling to see someone walking around with. God revealed Himself to us.

"At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (2 Cor 5:16, 17 NLT).

The question now is that: with God revealing Himself so plainly to us, what is your response to Him through your life, if indeed you believe in Him? Are you indeed living that new life God gave you?

In Matt 11:12-26, we catch a glimpse of what kind of life pleases the Lord and what kind displeases Him. A life of unfruitfulness, of defiling His sacred temple (our bodies) displeases Him greatly, while a life of faith and of forgiveness, which He spoke of, pleases Him.

What is your response through your life?

Our reactions is and must be congruent with our revelation.

Are You Rooted Below & Bearing Fruit Above?

All of us seek to discern the will of God in our lives because we believe He knows best. I have my fair share of waiting too and sometimes, it is to wait for open doors from the Lord, sometimes it is waiting while in God's calling for our calling to come to fruition, sometimes it's for things and/or us to take shape and sometimes it's for us to complete our God-given task despite how much we may want to bail out. But waiting on the Lord is something that all of us will be familiar with.

The topic of bearing fruit is of particular interest to me. I did a search through the bible on scripture verses with the words "bear fruit" and "fruitful" and it seems that God called us to be fruitful by:

1. being fruitful and multiply - This is a common theme in the Old Testament in which God told Abraham, Noah and various other people that His blessing will cause His people to multiply in number to inhabit the earth and to preserve the generations. This is seen throughout the Old Testament in Gen 1:22, 28; Gen 9:1,7; Gen 17:6; Gen 35:11; Gen 48:4; Jer 23:3; Ps 105:24; Ex 1:7; Ez 36:11. The main thing of being fruitful here is receiving God's blessings and multiplying in numbers.
   
2. being fruitful in self and God - As we go into the New Testament, the focus now is on being holy and righteous in our call to be God's children, bearing the fruit of the Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:19-24). In fact, Luke 13:1-9, Rom 7:4-6 encourage us to bear fruit for God rather that bear fruit of death; a warning of of what will happen if we do not repent and continue in our lives of darkness. So being fruitful has to also mean to be holy and righteous, living as children of God.
    
3. being fruitful to bless - Perhaps God ultimately wants us to bear fruit to not only bless ourselves but also to bless other through us. Why? Because God has appointed us to bear fruit that will last (John 15: 16) and which will be for the Father's glory (John 15:8). And God longs for His children to return to Him.
   
   Paul is very familiar with this as he mentioned in Philippians 1:22 that he was torn between going back to God and yet remaining in his body to have fruitful labour in the body; to bless others. Ultimately, God wants to make us fruitful so we can be a blessing to others and this one really spoke to me a lot a lot during this period.
   
   Early on in Genesis, the Abrahamic Convenant spoke about being blessed and being a blessing.
   
   
   Genesis 12:2-3 (NIV)
    2 "I will make you into a great nation
          and I will bless you;
          I will make your name great,
          and you will be a blessing.
   
    3 I will bless those who bless you,
          and whoever curses you I will curse;
          and all peoples on earth
          will be blessed through you."

As I struggle with my current job transition (transition out of something which is so comfortable and which is so working well for me), I kept bargaining with God that I am already impacting lives where I am. I further went on to justify that if I move, I am not sure if I am going to be effective for Him, given the new environment and new stresses to come in this new portfolio etc. But the real reason, I have come to realise is that I was so in my comfort zone. God dealt with me and made me realised how He has wanted to re-position me to bless others at a different playing field. Talking about revelation from God bringing about re-elevation.

As I did my QT, God first brought me to the story of Elijah in 1 King 17 and 18. I had previously shared in cell how Elijah is an interesting reminder because he has just popped up suddenly in the bible but every step of the way, he obeyed God and God positioned him from one level of faith to another. Firstly God provided for him as He sent the raverns to feed him and thereby helping Elijah know that God will provide for him and bless him. Then God brought him to the widow, another level of faith, and wanted to bless not only him but also the women and her son as he made it possible for the widow and her son to be fed through his instructions. Then, God brought him to yet another level of faith when the widow's son died and had Elijah working with God to restore the boy's life. Finally God brought him to the showdown with the prophets of Baal to bring people back to Him, as everyone realised that ""The LORD -he is God! The LORD -he is God!" (1 King 18:39). The Lord brought Elijah from one level of faith to another, blessing first himself then others through him.

In the same way, I felt the Lord reminding me how He wants to bring me to a different field to bless others and that my season here is just over. And yes, He will bless as He calls; to bear fruit. The further confirmation came when I was preparing for chapel from Luke 5:1-9 when God showed how obedience brought fruitfulness to both self and others. As Simon obeyed and casted the net (even though he felt it was strange and maybe useless), the result was a catch of fish not only enough for himself but also for the other fishermen. All these is possible just because Simon said "But because you say so, I will let down the nets." (Luke 5:5).

In our round up of the story of Joseph in sermon, we seen how God has worked in his life to make him fruitful (Gen 41:52, Gen 49:22).

As Raymond mentioned, we are all definitely called to serve God's purpose, though in different ways. And all of us have been blessed with at least one gifting and Paul edges us to desire and excel in gifts that will build up the church; blessing others.

At the end of the day, God wants us to be fruitful and to stay with the vine as we are reminded from John 15. But to bear fruit, we need, first and foremost, to remain in the vine (John 15: 4-5); we need to take root below and bear fruit above (2 King 19:30, Isaiah 37:31).

Jeremiah 17:8 (NIV)
8 He will be like a tree planted by the water
       that sends out its roots by the stream.
       It does not fear when heat comes;
       its leaves are always green.
       It has no worries in a year of drought
       and never fails to bear fruit."

Psalm 92:13-14 (NIV)
13 planted in the house of the LORD,
       they will flourish in the courts of our God.

14 They will still bear fruit in old age,
       they will stay fresh and green,

Like Joyce mentioned, you can say we are all different trees bearing fruit at different seasons. It is important to be rooted well and bear the right fruit. Jesus reminded us in Matthew 7:17 that one can also bear bad fruit too. So stay rooted in God's word and plans, which are the soil and water and the tree will grow to eventually bear fruit. And He will keep pruning you for fruitfulness, not giving up on you (John 15:2).

In the end, God gave me John 15:7-8 as a reminder verse as I move to this new chapter; that I need to just choose to remain in Him in all circumstances and He will bless. At the end of the day, many will come to know the Lord through my ministry and work of my hands, not because of what I have done but because of what the Lord has shown Himself to be through me; that I am a disciple of God.

John 15:7-8 (NIV)
7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

The Lord has blessed me these few weeks so hope it blesses you too.

The Choice

Choices @ the Heart of Life
Choices are at the heart of everything. Just as I was listening to the sermon last week on "Battling with Passion" and as I went about the week preparing for cell, reflecting on the things that happened throughout the week, I came to think more and more about choices.

How do you make choices in life? At cell, some of us has shared how some of us make choices based on our end goals in mind, some make choices base on opportunity cost and consequences, some base it on exprience, some base it on feelings, while some seek advice from friends and some seek the Lord.

I always remember the time I made a choice which I still remember ultimately changed my college life. It was the second intake for college and I was given a choice to change my subject combination. Then, I was taking "A" levels Chinese. Though I did not understand why I choose to take "A" levels Chinese (given I didn;t seem to have the flair for it) but I made the choice to continue on with my subject combination because I had not wanted to leave my friends who I have come to know. And, well, as they say, the rest is history and I chartered this part of my life story and made a decision based on my feelings.

Everyday in our lives, we are confronted with choices to make. From our attire, to our meals, to how we respond to various matters, we make choices everyday. Even in our spiritual life, we are faced with choices, starting from the choice we make to make Jesus our Lord and Saviour, to the challenges we face daily in making choices which would impact our walk with the Lord e.g. making priorities about our quiet time, participation in church, ministry, prayer meetings, cell vis-a-vis other priorities in life or even making choices between succumbing to temptation vis-a-vis choosing how God would like us to respond as children of light. Choices are real and part and parcel of our life.

Choices & Life
Just last week, I have had the opportunity to speak to 3 very different people who made different choices... one was sharing with me about his younger days and how he was in triads and how he met his wife who changed him. As he shared about the horrors of what happens at the gallows for some of his friends, I can see him being all relieved that he has turned back in time to not be in the shoes of some of hos friends. Equally, I have also spoken to different ones who responded very differently to trials and also in their choices to either let God triumph over circumstances or circumstances "over" God.

In Pastor Chye Aik's sermon the previous week, he spoke from Galatians 5. To me, as I read, it spoke to me clearly about life and the choices we make.

In Galatians 5: 16-18, we see that there are two extremes: life by the Spirit and life by the flesh...

16 So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.

There is a clear conflict between the two and we are to choose from them.

And Galatians 5:19-25 further goes to show the outcome of life by the Spirit and by the flesh:

19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Verse 21 mentioned that those who live life by the flesh "will not inherit the kingdom of God" but those who live by the Spirit will experience love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. This is a choice we have to make.

But how do we live by the Spirit? Basically, it does come down to choices we make... Indeed, I don't think there is a "7 step formula" for being able to live by the Spirit. But, when I reflect upon it and also look at my own spiritual walk, I wonder why is it that some people seem to have some much passion for God that keeps them going despite all circumstances? What about Jesus; Son of God, born as Son of man? What kept Him going that, amidst all the agony of knowing He is to be crucified on the cross, that He would go on to say the familiar "not my will, but yours be done", ultimately dying a horrible death on the cross for our sakes? The passion of Christ? To me, it became clear it is a choice.

As I did my quiet time last week and read from John 8:12-30, several things spoke to me:

1. Jesus knows where He is from and where He is going (v14)
   
2. Jesus knows He does not stand alone but with the Father (v16, 29)
3. Jesus knows Father God (v19)
4. Jesus knows the Father's purposes for Him (v28-29)
   

Jesus knew all these and had made the choice to yield Himself to God. Jesus knows who He is and where He is going and yielded to God.

As I look back at my life and realised how, thanks be to God, I have matured relatively in how I make choices in my life. But even so saying, at present, I do still struggle with some decisions I which have a big bearing on my ministry and life. But as I reflect, I have realised how I have moved from choices made based on "me-centric-ness" ("me, me, me") to more or less "God-centric-ness" ("God, what's your will for this?"). And it becomes clear that yieldnesses to God is so critical in our life by the Spirit because unless we yield ourselves and the choices we make to God, we will be living life based on ourselves, our flesh, our emotions, our strength.

Do you know who you are and where you are going?
Do you know that despite all circumstances that God is always with you?
Do you know the Father's heart and His purposes for you; not only to restore you to Him and refine you but also to restore many others to Him, what Paul calls the Ministry of Reconciliation (2 Cor 5:11-21).

I have to admit that it can be a journey of uncertainty but God is an Almighty God and nothing is impossible for Him:

I know I am had been saved by grace by God;
I know that I am redeemed and restored by God through all the work He has done in my life;
I know that I do not need to go through life alone and can trust in Him becaase I saw how He provided and brought me out of the pits when I held on;
I know that God is a sovereign God and has His plans for me;
I know He has restored me to be a blessing to many others
I know that I am a child of God;
I know where I am going after passing on from life.

To live life by the Spirit, choose to see all He has done in your life and choose to yield to Him. Do not do life alone or with your own strength. Nothing is everlasting, not even our lives, our riches we have, our jobs, our ministry, except for God, His will and His love.

Isaiah 40:28-31 (NIV)
²⁸ Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Dealing with Anger

Hello everyone,

Received quite a few articles on the topic of anger recently and thought of sharing and hope it will bless your hearts.

I am sure this is not a topic that is unfamiliar to us and truth is that we will all face with the issue of anger in our life and the issue seems not to be with anger, as Jason had once aptly point out in cell but how we respond when we are angry. The articles remind me, coupled with my own experience, how destructive anger can be in our life and even in our relationships with each other and with God.

Recently, while doing my quiet time, I was brought to Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV) and it reminds us

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

I am a person who seldom erupts and whenever anything happens that makes me angry, I would usually need time away to think through matters and how have I been wrong myself. But then, I have also realized that the longer I take to think about thing, the greater the potential for it to fester into something unhealthy. Maybe that is what the bible calls “do not give the devil a foothold” because “the devil came to “steal, kill and destroy” especially everything which is of God including our relationships. And we also know how when we are angry, we will also sometimes say things we do not mean and later realized the negative impact of it. Do not give the devil a foothold and test every spirit of things that goes through your mind when you are angry; asking God to give you wisdom to know what is not of Him and not righteous, even thoughts of how you might be unworthy.

So, even though these articles are long, I do hope that it will bless your heart, regardless whether or not you are facing issues of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness now or in the future. Remember God’s word on anger.

Do not let anger, unforgiveness and bitterness rob you of your joy. God has shown me that the answer to it all is Him; that, as He knows what our hearts are going through, to trust in Him that He can work things out. After all, shouldn’t the Christ-like life be one which is filled with the Spirit, one filled with the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). For me, I have allowed bitterness to control my life for close to 2 years (and most of the time, while we suffer, the people who caused the bitterness seldom even are bothered by it) and having let God deal with it, it has helped me to be freed… my chains are gone….

Don’t Hold on to Offenses, Communicate!

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrendered and begged for mercy. I had become addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house,our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people' s habit; slowly you will get used to it." Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter,whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes,and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war,hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of nfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.

Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was xpressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.

As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment.He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:

“Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion.. ..

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."...... ..

This is a true story.

LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!

I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience.... This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge. People please let's live a life devoid of grudge. Communication is key.

Take greatest care and live on

"I'm Feeling Angry"

When you are angry, the first positive step is to admit to yourself that you are angry. Say aloud, "I'm feeling angry." The second step is to ask God to help you handle your anger in a positive way. "Lord, help me to do what is right and good with my anger." The third step is to ask, "Did someone sin against me?" If so, the biblical answer is to lovingly confront the person and seek reconciliation.

On the other hand, if you are angry simply because something happened that irritates you, ask "What can I learn from this experience?" If the other person habitually arrives late for your appointment, perhaps you can talk with them and negotiate change. Thus the anger has served a positive purpose. God wants to teach you how to handle your anger in a godly way.

When you are angry, be sure to get the facts before you take action. You hear your spouse tell someone on the phone, "I'll be there tomorrow night." You know that tomorrow night is your date night, so you get angry. Before you storm in and say something harsh, take time to ask, "Did I hear you promise someone to do something tomorrow night?" Your spouse says, "Yes, I told mom I'd bring her blanket by. I thought we could do it either before or after we go out to eat."

Your anger subsides because you took time to get the facts. Often we jump to conclusions about what someone said or did, and we accuse them in anger. We ruin a perfectly good evening because we failed to ask questions.

Adapted from Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

With blessings.

11 Be Still And Know (Ps 46_1-2, 10).mp3 -

A Spirit-Filled Life

Last week's cell discussion was great and I really thank each and everyone of you for sharing the work of the Holy Spirit in your lives.

Personally, I have enjoyed preparing for the discussion as I sat down myself and reflected upon what the Holy Spirit has done in my life and that evening, hearing how the Holy Spirit is so real in your lives has further encouraged me and even helped me to know the Holy Spirit better.

The "Mystical" Topic of the Holy Spirit
For a long time, I have heard about the Holy Spirit and know about it but then because it is somewhat "intangible" and to me it was a rather abstract idea. However, last week's cell discussion has helped me to know the Holy Spirit better and also to see it at work in my life. As much as I had been blessed by the session, I hope you too. And I thank God for this blessing.

Wisdom & the Holy Spirit
In fact, it was a prayer answered. Even though I approached the cell discussion having thought through the topic and reflected on my spiritual walk with the Lord, I was still rather lost (as usual) as to how I should approach cell facilitation. I prayed to God and had asked for guidance. That evening, I had prepared a few questions but in the morning, I suddenly received a sms from a colleague friend on 1 Corinthians 2 about how the Spirit reveals to us wisdom from God. I do not know why but then that set me thinking about the work of the Holy Spirit in my own life and prompted me to change one of the discussion questions. And looking back, I was glad I heard the prompting and how the question eventually surfaced a rich discussion on the Holy Spirit in your lives, which ultimately also blessed me.

What is the Basic of Church?
Reading from Acts 2:36-47, we read of Peter's address to the crowd after Jesus died and the instructions given to the early church. For many of us, this might be a "back-to-basics" reminder about what the church is supposed to be:

1. Repentence and baptism for the forgiveness of our sin (v38)
2. Receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit (v38)
3. Devotion to apostle's teaching (v42)
4. Devotion to fellowship with one another (v42)
5. Devotion to breaking of bread (v42)
6. Devotion to prayer (v42)
7. Works - selling their possessions and goods and gave to anyone as he had need (v45)
8. Unity (v44, 46)
   

While these is how the early church is and it might be tempting to note it as a "to-do" for the church, Elder Freddy kept reminding that there is a critical part of the church and that is the Holy Spirit... without the Holy Spirit, a church is not a church! So in v38, we see how the early followers received the Holy Spirit and as a result of their faith and all they have done with the presence of the Holy Spirit, there were:

1. Salvation - Three thousand were added to their numbers that day (v41)
2. People were filled with awe (v43)
3. Many wonders and miraculous signs (v43)
4. Praises as people praised God and enjoyed the favour of all the people (v47)
5. More salvation - The Lord added to their numbers daily those who were being saved (v47)

The Promise of the Holy Spirit for Us
For me, I was reminded that God gave us His Holy Spirit to help us in our lives. In John 14:15-27, Jesus spoke of the Holy Spirit ...

"and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever - the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him because it neither sees him nor knowns him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you... you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me and I am in you... But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom I the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you."

Jesus went on to talk about the vine and the branches and how we can bear fruit as long as we remain in Him and Him in us; bearing fruits (v2, 4, 5), glorifying God (v8) and being filled with joy (v11). It is like a reminder on the consequences of having God in our lives; with the Holy Spirit in our lives. We received the Holy Spirit into our lives when we accept Christ as Lord and Saviour and invite Him into our lives.

A Spirit Filled Life that We Can Strive Towards
And, for the first time, it started to make sense to me what the fruit of the Spirit means. Maybe I am slow but then God spoke into my heart how it is His will that we be filled with the Spirit and bear the fruit of the Spirit as we live Spirit-filled lives. That as we continue to strive towards a Spirit-filled life, it is God's will that we have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

The Work of the Holy Spirit
So, it really led me to think about what the Holy Spirit has done in my own life. I mean, as I reflected on myself, I have come to realise how my life has tremendously changed in the last 4 years after having come back to the Lord. Yes, it hasn't been easy and I had cried out to the Lord on several times but then I see how I am indeed filled with more peace and joy and God has also brought restoration in relationships in my life, including doing the seemingly impossible and reconciling me to people who I hated and who caused me to go into downtime 4 years back. I am a much confident person now and can see God at work everyday of my life, even to the extent of prompting me in ministry to others with words to share. Even my mum, whom I had thought will never come back to the Lord, is now back walking and coming to church every week. To many things changed and to me, it is definitely more than coincidence.

And, just as we had shared with one another through our various experiences, we have learnt and saw how the Holy Spirit have, in different one of our lives:

1. Granted us peace and hope even in the midst of trials and everything seemed bleak
2. Restores broken relationships
   
3. Instructs us in life on walking righteously with the Lord, prompting us in spirit when we are not
4. Protects us from attempts of the enemy to take us away from walking with the Lord
5. Prompts us in ministry to each other including the sharing of His word that speaks Rhema word into others' lives
6. Moulds us and our person
7. Speaks into our lives in different seasons of our lives
8. Helps us

Well, I believe that if we had more time, we would have gone on and on and the fact is that the Holy Spirit plays an important role in the lives of Christ followers as it helps, guides, equips, protects etc. I have shared at the closing of cell last week how I am quite a klutz and can be very blur. But it is amazing how God has led me through, including even blessing me in my work ministry and even moulding my personality to be more confident. For me, I would say it is the life transforming work of the Holy Spirit in my life.

Sons and Heirs
As I was doing my quiet time today, I was reminded from Galatians 4 that we were once children and even though we were heirs, we were likened to slaves, being subjected to trustees and guardians until a time set by the father; slaves of the principles of the world. But with the work of Christ, we have become children and God "sent the spirit of his son into our hearts, so we no longer are slaves but sons and heirs.

Do You Desire the Holy Spirit?
God have His Holy Spirit to help us and the church. And I can say that God, the Father, wants the best for us, a life that is spirit-filled and filled with the fruit of the spirit. How much do you desire the Holy Spirit in your life? Continue to ask for the Holy Spirit to fill your life and work in your life... Are you tired of living life and steering yourself when God is also all along around?

As we approach the time for prayer meeting tomorrow to pray for revival for Riverlife Church, let's pray for revival in our lives and also for the Church.