Which Sorrow? My Testimony (Coming Out of Depression)

2 Corinthians 7:10-11 (NIV)

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.

This morning, as I did my quiet time, I came across this passage. And it seems that God was trying to capture my attention as one part of the passage sprung out to me. As I read the verses again, I sensed God telling me that sorrow is always here with us, because we live in a fallen world and simply because we are created by Him to have emotions. No matter how much we try, even with our very best, to avoid sorrow and regardless of what others tell us about being able to escape sorrow when we choose to be happy, the truth is: sorrow is here to stay. And I am sure, as you are reading this, God may bring to mind periods where you have been through sorrow, over something which may have happened to you, over a loss or even over someone else. We need to face the truth and come to terms that sorrow is normal because we are just not robots with no emotions. The difference though is the kind of sorrow: Godly and worldly sorrow.

Some of you may not know but I have been battling with depression for the last few months. It has been a rough year since July 2011. The year saw me preparing for my wedding and renovations of our new home and being stressed out by all the decisions that need to be made for it, facing my dad’s diagnosis of advanced stage lung cancer in August 2011 and coupled with it, the uncertainty of how we are going to cope with it physically, emotionally and financially, striving to understand all the medical jargons being spewed out to me and trying to stand tall to make decisions about care plans for my dad and also for his treatment, shuttling to and from work and hospital to accompany my dad, facing the news of the death of my wife’s beloved grandfather, subsequently dealing with my unexpected but eventual departure of my dad due to pneumonia, facing news of my wife being diagnosed with large fibroids and requiring surgery, facing the unexpected and sudden death of my cousin who we have reconnected back just a few months back before my dad’s passing on and so on. And all this while, I was running low in my “tank” and on my strength while trying to cope with worrying and ministering to people in ministry, while trying to deal with past hurts in ministry and previous work stints, cope with work, worrying about health problems that surface one after another in the last few months and also negative thoughts in my mind that I am unworthy. Yes, by the time my cousin passed away suddenly in April 2012, I found myself starting to crumble under pressure. My depression was starting to worsen and I found myself being dazed, had no interest in anything, had an insatiable appetite, was quiet and at times and had wanted to even break down and cry when I am alone and outside. Life was getting too difficult to bear and even though I had no courage to commit suicide, I remember praying before sleep that God will just take me away in my sleep that I can be far away from all these. Have you felt this way before?

I asked God what have I done to have to go through all these? But even though with that being said, I still trusted God because He had seen me through many trials in the past before and has revealed Himself real as He worked in my life in many miraculous ways. Trust me, if you live my life, you will know what I mean. There are many miracles and blessings that just shows God is real. I held on to God and He continue to bring me much assurance of Him being with me.

And some of His assurances are captured in my thanksgiving journal, beginning at the church camp on 8 Jun 2012:

Even though with all the assurance, I did not quite understand why I was going through all these.

At first, I thought that it might have been spiritual attacks because just before my depression told a dive for the worse in end May when my cousin passed away suddenly, I received two unique experiences and knew that the Lord might be calling me to a greater works:

So, in my heart, up till the time of my first Healing & Wholeness session last Saturday (14 Jul), I had sensed that it might be spiritual attack from Satan.

However, as I read the verse from 2 Corinthians 7:10-11 above, I sensed that God is also telling me that He needed to work with me as a person to prepare me for greater works.

On 11 Jul 2012, I wrote these words in my devotional as God impressed on my heart that morning:

As I read it , yes, it does speak of abundant life in God in this fallen world, but more so, it made me realise that God was doing 2 things here to me: (1) Asking me to go back to the source of abundant life; Him and not anyone else and (2) Growing me as a person.

In fact, I have so focused on verse 2 about trials that I forgot about verses 3-4 which says: “knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing”.

And today, going back to 2 Corinthians 7:10-11, it is as if God bringing me full revelation of what He wanted me to learn and that sorrow has been but an instrument of perfecting me. Indeed, I felt spoken to that there are two kinds of sorrow: worldly sorrow and godly sorrow. One brings life and one brings death. Sorrow apart from God or worldly sorrow, can make us feel so hopeless and brings physically, spiritual and psychological death but godly sorrow drives us towards God, towards Hope.

Look at how the Message bible puts it:

Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.

I thank God that in my distress, I had not let go and continue to seek Him. And yes, surprising to some, God allows distress to sometimes bring us to our knees to come back to Him and rely on Him. And we HAVE the choice to turn our sorrow, which is unavoidable in life, to godly sorrow or worldly sorry. What is the Lord telling you in your sorrow?

I used to interpret verse 10 as only for those who have yet to know God, but today God shows me that, in fact, we all need to repent from our imperfect ways and when sorrows come into the picture, God can use it to turn us around.

I thank God for how He brought me back to Isaiah 41:9-10 just as I prepare to facilitate worship with Min Qin, Joyce and Joshua for the first time with the young adults in my church last Friday (13 Jul). God reminds me that I am in His hands. He had given me this verse a few years back when I was going through another rough patch, which I overcame and grown from it.

The Lord says (Isaiah 41:9-10 NIV):

I took you from the ends of the earth,
    from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

How do I know that God has turned things around for me? Frankly, as I type this, I do not know what lies ahead me (no one knows) but then what surprised me is that how God quickly turned things around over just 2 hours. I had been depressed and getting increasingly depressed over the last 1 year but over just 2 hours at the Healing & Wholeness counselling session, God turned things around. It has to be God! And I know that God is holding my hand no matter what.

I leave the depression behind knowing and confirming once again God is real in my life and that I only need get my love and source of life from Him and not anyone else or anything else. I lost my dad but I now can rely on my Daddy God.

And so God says and reminds in closing:

2 Corinthians 7:11 (MSG)

And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart..

May this bless you and encourage you to look to God in your sorrow. Stop running away from sorrow but allow God to work in your sorrow as you turn your worldly sorrow into godly sorrow which brings hope.

First Intercessory Prayer Meeting

SP shared about prayers on last Sunday. The last kind of prayer is intercessory and do you know it is one of the most powerful prayers believers can ever experienced in their spiritual life? I sign up for Intercessors Network Ministry on last Sunday (last day of 21 days of prayers). Actually at that time I felt its a special prompting I feel God is putting into my heart. I saw the booth many times in church past few weeks but did not sign up till then. I did not know it is the last day of sign up initially. What makes me decide to sign up?

Actually through the 21 days of prayer,I do felt I have certain experiences of breakthrough. I felt God had birth forth a deeper hunger and longing for God in my heart. But my prayer life is still not every stronger. I hope through this ministry it can motivate me towards a stronger prayer life and inner man. I hope to know more about prayer, what prayer is really about? how to pray and how to pray more effectively? From what I have know so far, this is very important. If I myself know it is very important, I will wanna to focus on it and be committed to such growth, so I see the importance of such an intercessory ministry to help me grow closer with the lord in prayer. So I am thankful to God for another step of obedience to walk with him through focused prayers.

After the sign up, I had my first experience of the first Intercessory Prayer Meeting by the ministry in Church. I had the experience of much faith filled prayers. All are free to pray and worship in spirit and in truth. Some of the fellow intercessors also weep when they prayed. I was so touched in my spirit. I began to see the meaning of weeping prophet e.g. Jeremiah. The intercessors are so in touch with God that they feel how God feel, they prayed with full emotions and their whole being is so engaged with the prayers. Something that really shake and moves my heart is when 2 young ladies (about 17 to 18 years) share their burdens for the younger generations in the present day, they felt very sad about the lifestyle of the youths they see around them, many are living in ways less than pleasing, in impurity and immorality, they have the heart and desire to make a difference as Christians in their life however it may seems so tough. They prayed till point of tears. I also teared as I hear their prayers and the cry of their heart. The young generation need God's love to fill their heart but the sad reality is that family of the present age is under serious attack, many young people have not been able to experience love at home therefore they turn to various sources in life for love and satisfaction: sex, drugs, internet, computer games for a sense of connection but yet they are so disconnected in reality. There is a deep longing and yearning within these young souls for unconditional love and acceptance. We need to redeem the sacredness and uphold the importance of family as the basic unit. Actually through this prayer and heart cries of the 2 young ladies, I kinda felt burdened for the youths. How can we reach the youth with the love of Christ? We know many are lost and they need the love of Jesus to really filled this void in their life. It is also sad to see them living in immorality and impurity, some of them are even devoid of respect for other elderly people, who is there to teach and guide them? Family upbringing? From my personal experience, some years back I had lived in ways that is wilful, dishonoring to God and I know it is not right. This was in the past but by God's grace I am reconciled with the Lord and in the restoration process. I hope through this experience maybe God can use it to bring back some of those younger ones who had strayed away from you and back to you again. These lives belong to God, no one else can meddle! However as much as the burden I had, I really wanna to set apart my heart to be right before God (even before embarking on any area of ministry) first therefore I will settle for my H&W first that I can be healed first so that I can really be a blessing as I serve him in ministry he had called. At the mean time, I will also take time to seek God for what we can do as a church and body of Christ to respond to the heart cries of the youths and any visions and direction for the prayer ministry.

I also felt these words birth forth in my heart towards the end as we are praying for parents and the youth generation of today and their relationship:
"He will (L)restore the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers, so that I will not come and (M)smite the land with a curse." Malachi 4:6
God had assured us he will restore relationships in the family. It is the purpose in his heart, it does not delight God at all to strike the land with a curse. God wanna to see reconciliation and restoration of relationships in our life. What is our response to what God had assured? Most important, it is also important we need to be reconcile to God, our first love.

Wandering Mind

Testimony: God Speaks, Affirm and Ministers

Hi everyone!

Awesome God
Our God is an awesome God,
He reigns from heaven above,
With wisdom power and love,
Our God is an awesome God!

Our God is an Awesome God
Just finished devotion this morning and want to share a little testimony. Through this morning's devotion, I have come to see how God is in control and how He is real, speaks, affirms and ministers. The last time I experienced this so strongly was at a missions trip in China and it was real exhilarating and exciting to see how God works; how nothing is impossible for Him as He brings together people and circumstances to work according to His will and to also minister to people; it's just awesome, amazing and exciting to see God work!

Do We Set Aside or Do We Find Time for God?
Our Tuesday devotions at work has not been very regular recently and sessions have been canceled simply because people were "too busy". Frankly, I get really affected and disappointed each time the devotion is canceled because it is just painful to see us forgoing time with God simply because we are too busy. But then reflecting back, this spiritual warfare is real and even I myself also struggle with trying to "squeeze out" time to be with the Lord.

God Uses Ministers through all Sharing
Anyway, today, there was to be devotion and looking at how everyone is busy, I was really not confident devotion will go on. But then, I decided to assume it will go on as usual and I contemplated whether I should lead since the last session (which was supposed to be led by me) was canceled and the next person who is to lead today might not even know she is leading today. I decided to lead but then somehow later at work, I just felt led to ask the person whether she is ready to lead devotion today, considering that I have no voice left. To my surprise, she agreed and within 5 minutes, she put together something to share. By the end of the devotion, it became very clear how God had worked through today's devotion; it's amazing how:

• ... devotion was not canceled and my colleague agreed to lead devotion despite the short notice
• ... everyone joined in for devotion today
  
• ... God ministered through her sharing of her testimony about how God had guided her in a recent decision about her flat. In short, she made a decision about her flat but did not feel at peace with the decision. She sought the Lord's will through prayer and through many incidents, affirmation by others, she felt led to change her decision. Eventually, she decided to change her decision but then a contract had been signed with HDB. But God opened a way for her to retract her decision with HDB and now she is at peace with the decision. From this, she shared about how sometimes we think we know best and insists on our plans when God knows His plans for us and will provide for us; how stubborn we can sometimes be and end up not wanting to choose the path God has for us.
  
• ... God used the sharing to also minister to another colleague who later shared that he was facing some issues with regards to his flat too and how the sharing affirmed him
• ... I initially felt bad about asking my colleague to lead the devotion at the last minute because I was not feeling very well but later was so glad that God has used the session to teach and minister
  
• ... how God had led me to read from Matthew 6:25-34 in the morning on my way to work, which seems to be a timely reminder about how God knows what we need and will provide.I was thinking of reading from another devotional but then realised that I have left the devotional material in office and so, read this devotion instead, not knowing that it was a timely reminder that was shared at the closing of the devotion.

After devotion, I was reflecting on how I can align myself to God's will for my lives and came to the following conclusion. We need to

1. believe that God has His plans for us and
2. we need to stay connected to God e.g. through quiet time, prayers, reading His word and supplementing it with devotional materials and
3. be open and willing to listen to Him when He does lead.
4. believe that God can work through you and use you to spiritually impact others
   

Matthew 6:26-
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Matthew 6:30-
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Matthew 6:31-33-
31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Think...

• On a scale of 1-10, where do you rate your belief that God, as Jeremiah 29:11 states, has His plans for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future?
• In this world of connectivity through handphones, internet, email, instant messengers, how is your connectivity to God? How can you connect better with God?
• How open and willing are you in hearing from God? What is your definition of hearing from God? How have God spoken to you in the past? How can you be more God-aware?
• Do you believe that God can work through you and use you to spiritually impact others and to draw them close to Him?
  

Encountering God Through Prayer

Hear Us From Heaven


Lord, hear our cry
Come heal our land
Breath life into these dry and thirsty souls
Lord, hear our prayer
Forgive our sin
And as we call on Your name
Would You make this a place
For Your glory to dwell

Chorus:
Open the blind eyes
Unlock the deaf ears
Come to Your people
As we draw near
Hear us from heaven
Touch our generation
We are Your people
Crying out in desperation

Bridge:
Hear Us From Heaven,
Hear Us From Heaven,
Hear Us From Heaven (4x)

We have started a 6-weeks series on prayer and frankly, the sermons, the preparation for cell group discussion and also reading a book which my sister had bought from Riverside Resource, Too Busy Not to Pray by Bill Hybels, have helped me to start think seriously about prayer and reflecting upon my prayer life.

• Why do we pray?
• Why do we struggle with prayer?
• How do we pray?
  

Beginning on the Right Footing #1: What's Your Attitude towards Prayer?
I myself am coming to learn more about prayer as I reflect and I hope you can share with me your experience and comments too :) As I was preparing for cell discussion, I felt that God was telling me that we need to start our prayer life with the right footing; before we can even talk about how we should pray, we need to understand why we pray and our attitudes about prayer:

• Do we believe in the power of prayer?
• Do we believe that God is willing to hear our prayers?
• Do we believe that God is able to do something about our prayer requests?
  

- Do you believe in the power of prayer?

Bill Hybels says in his book "an archbishop once observed, 'it's amazing how many coincidence occur when one begins to pray.'

As I look back, I see the value of prayer in my spiritual life. I can think of 3 instances specifically where I was awed by the power of prayer.

- Instance #1: God's Protection

The first was when I come to realise how prayer has helped me survive my first time mission trip in 2007. In April 2007, I went for a mission trip for the first time to China and we were there for 18 days. The 18 days were just amazing and it was a time when I became still and saw how great a God we have; a God that provides, watches over and protects. The trip was full of amazing testimonies throughout the 18-days including:

• how my life was preserved as we were making our way up to a village school, how we learnt about a stabbing case that took place where we stayed less than a week before we came,
  
• how the county government initially was not open to our team coming over to provide training and last minutes doors opened for the missionary team to work with them,
  
• how the virginia tech shooting (and the local stabbing case) which happened at the time we were there had provided open opportunities for people to talk about mental health issues (which was what we were doing training for there),
  
• how God brought 2 Singaporeans, who used to work as outdoor trainers, to us to bless us throughout the trip with their expertise
• how these 2 Singaporeans made a last minute decision to follow us on a visit to a missionary at a children's home and then halfway through the visit, the missionary (not knowing that these 2 worked as outdoor trainers) mentioned that he had always wanted to do teambuilding for his children and staff but did not know how to go about it. It's just amazing how God brought them to the home at the right time
• how our team had later also blessed these 2 Singaporeans, providing fellowship and Christian community to one who told us that she was beginning to feel distanced from God and also open opportunities for the other, who is a pre-believer, to learn about Christ. We were told she had been resistant to hearing the gospel but then the visit to the home provided an opportunity for her to hear a testimony of a staff (who did not know she is a pre-believer) and prepared her heart to want to know Christ
• how after 10 years of working with the local authorities and praying for breakthrough, the local government finally initiated working together for the long-term.
• and many others

Then, when I returned, I come to realise that many things went well because we had many prayer warriors behind us, including people we did not know who were also interceding for us at the missions office.

- Instance #2: God Is This Your Will?
The second was when I was called by God to "confront" a friend who was involved in a Korean cult here in Singapore. For a few months, I have been running away from that calling and finally one day, God provided the opportunity for me to invite him out alone (because previous attempts, he always brought someone along to try to "convert" me). I remember being all jittery about it on the day I was to meet him and I kept asking God if this is His will; for me to "confront" this friend about this matter. By the end of the day, I met a colleague (who does not take the train but happened to be taking the train with me on that day) and we chatted. Suddenly, out of her bag, she brought out a book "Knowing God's Will" and lent the book to me, telling me that she had intended to return the book to her church library the previous Sunday but the librarian wanted her to keep and finish reading the book.

Reading that book had also prepared me for what was to happen later; I was to face rejection from my friend. I remember reading from the book about how we sometimes play a small part in God's purposes and we may be laying a brick one at a time as we help build the house, so nothing is wasted although we do not see God's purpose at the point in time we lay the brick. As expected, I felt horrible after the meeting and felt terribly rejected but then I recall what I read. As if to make sure that it sank deep within me, the 'Our Daily Bread' article the next morning was about how we need to work with the Lord when working to save others just as we can put together the ingredients for a cake but ultimately, it is the oven that bakes the cake, not us. Talking about God answering your questions.

- Instance #3: God's Leading
The last instance I can think of is my prayer for my ministry. As I had shared before, I faced much challenges in my initial months of ministry and had wanted to just give up. But each time I made a decision to give up, God spoke through the pulpit. I could not understand what plans God has for me and I kept lamenting and crying out, praying for Him to reveal to me His plans. Breakthrough came months later and it is becoming clear why somethings happened the way it did. God also continue to equip me and lead me as I carried on my ministry and I came to realise that God had never forsaken me even though I faced trials:

Hebrew 13:5b-6
because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." 6. So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

And many of you also shared how God had answered prayers in your life. So do you believe in the power of prayer?

- Do you believe that God is willing to bless us?
In his book, Bill Hybels shared that God wants to bless you:

Luke 18:1-8 tells of the parable of the persistent widow and even of the judge who neither feared God nor cared for man can relent to help the widow, how much more our God?

Matthew 7:9-11 also reminds us:

9. "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10. Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11. If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Similarly, Leviticus 26:3-6 and Deuteronomy 28:2-6 speaks of how God wants to bless us as long as we seek to obey Him.

So do you believe that God is willing and wants to bless you?

- Do you believe that God is able to do something about our prayer requests?
This really is an interesting question because I believe most would say "yes". But why is it that if we believe He can do something about it and yet we are not fervent in our prayers? The ability and omnipotence of God is shown throughout the bible and also in lives of people in present day but yet why do we doubt?

Beginning on the Right Footing #2: In what state are you approaching God in prayer?

Isaiah 1:15-17
15 When you spread out your hands in prayer,
I will hide my eyes from you;
even if you offer many prayers,
I will not listen.
Your hands are full of blood;

16 wash and make yourselves clean.
Take your evil deeds
out of my sight!
Stop doing wrong,

17 learn to do right!
Seek justice,
encourage the oppressed. [a]
Defend the cause of the fatherless,
plead the case of the widow.

Really, God is holy and how are you approaching the throne of God when you go into a time of prayer. Do you treat God as "santa-claus" and treat prayer as just a time of putting in request for things to be right for you? I remember Elder Andrew Goh once shared about the half prayer (prayer which starts and stops with "God, make this happen, make that happen") versus the full prayer (God, may Your will be done). How do you deal with the sin as you approach the throne of God?

Luke 18: 9-14
9. To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: 10. "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'

13. "But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

14. "I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

God exalts and the one who humbles himself before God and recognises his sins. He looks for the repentent heart. just as Luke 19:1-10 tells us about His encounter with Zacchaeus, the Tax Collector

Luke 19:1-10 Zacchaeus, the Tax Collector
1. Jesus entered Jericho and was passing through. 2. A man was there by the name of Zacchaeus; he was a chief tax collector and was wealthy. 3. He wanted to see who Jesus was, but being a short man he could not, because of the crowd. 4. So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree to see him, since Jesus was coming that way.

5. When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, "Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today." 6. So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly.

7. All the people saw this and began to mutter, "He has gone to be the guest of a 'sinner.' "

8. But Zacchaeus stood up and said to the Lord, "Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount."

9. Jesus said to him, "Today salvation has come to this house, because this man, too, is a son of Abraham. 10. For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost."

Even in Genesis 32-33, we see how Jacob seeks to be forgiven and it is a contrast between the way in which he sought forgiveness and blessing from God and from his brother Esau. For God, it did not take goats, ewes, rams, camels, cows, bull and donkeys for Him to forgive because He himself has provided the lamb, Jesus, to die for our sins.

To Live is Christ



I make a vow
My life will always honour you
Whether I live or die

I belong to Him
He bore my sin
I owe this life to my saving King

Hallelujah, I am not my own
You are in control
Hallelujah

For me to live is christ
And to die is gain
No matter what price i pay
I choose to give this life away

Only by the cross I am saved

Do you come before God to confess your sins and be repentent just as Zacchaeus, Jacob and the tax-collector in Luke 18:9-14?

Why do We Pray?
Why do we pray? Is it purely to submit our requests to God and then amen? For many, prayer is...:

• a time of fellowship/communion with God; basking and enjoying His presence and the peace and assurance which comes with it
  
  
  Draw Me Close to You
  
  
  Draw me close to You
  Never let me go
  I lay it all down again
  To hear You say that I'm Your friend
  
  You are my desire
  No one else will do
  'Cause nothing else could take Your place
  To feel the warmth of Your embrace
  Help me find the way
  Bring me back to You
  
  You're all I want
  You're all I've ever needed
  You're all I want
  Help me know You are near
  
  
  
• a time of being humbled because we can sometimes think we are self-sufficient and refuse to take it to the Lord in prayer. Bill Hybels put it nicely to say that prayer is an assault on deep-seated values of self-sufficiency and independent living, which sometimes makes us forget we need God
• a time of confession to fall down on our knees before the Lord and seeking his forgiveness for our sins
• a time of thanksgiving and adoration of how wonderful a God He is
• spiritual warfare as we seek to intercede for others to take them away from the hands of the devil and also sometimes to shut the devil up because he can put thoughts which will serve to bring us away from God. I myself have experienced several negative thoughts about myself and how I am a failure and unable to do what God has called me to do. We need to silence these thoughts and the only way is to be in the presence of God
• a time of refuge in the Lord because sometimes we realise we can do nothing but go down on our knees
  
• a time of being still and seeking God's will in decision and circumstances e.g. before we go into quiet time
  
  Think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. He provides the most perfect model of what it is to pray according to God's will. Imagine being in Jesus' shoes and knowing the hour has come to die on the cross and crying out to the Lord, but yet recognising that it is God's will, not his will.
  
  
  I Surrender All
  
  
  All to Jesus I surrender
  All to Him I freely give;
  I will ever love and trust Him,
  In his presence daily live.
  
  I surrender all, I surrender all;
  All to thee, my blessed Savior,
  I surrender all.
  
  All to Jesus I surrender,
  Humbly at His feet I bow,
  Worldly pleasures all forsaken,
  Take me Jesus, take me now.
  
  
  
• a time of placing our request at the feet of God to help us,
  

but my most favourite one is, as I have realised in the past few days:

• Christianity is not a religion but a relationship with God and thus, how can one of the main component of relationship; communication, be left out? God wants to hear from us.

Why Do We Struggle with Prayer?
If we believe in the power of prayer, that God is willing and able to help us then why do we still struggle? Some cite:

• Busyness
• Laziness
• Our deep-seated values of self-sufficiency
• Sin which makes us turn away instead of to God for forgiveness
  
• Shame - some people feel that prayer is an admittance of weakness
• "Don't know how to pray"
  

Bill Hybels observes that it is amazing how sometimes we can put aside time for those things we set to do and learn but then when it comes to prayer, it is a different matter all together. I once was also plagued with the worry that I do not know how to pray properly and may look stupid in front of many people. This has caused me to feel rather awkward at prayer meetings because I am afraid I will not pray properly. But then, I later was ministered to by Matthew 6:5-15:

5. "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 6. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

9. "This, then, is how you should pray:
" 'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10. your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
11. Give us today our daily bread.
12. Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13. And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.' 14. For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

How Do We Pray?
Personally, I do not think there is a standard way of praying because it is your relationship with God and your way of communicating with God. But some guidelines do exist which can help, until you develop your own. e.g. ACTS:

• Adoration - Praising God for His faithfulness, grace, love, wonders etc
• Confession - Repent and bringing to God your confessions of sin and ask for his forgiveness
• Thanksgiving - Giving thanks to God for all the works He had done in your life
• Supplication - Bring to God your requests

Something else I found:

Use your hand.
Your fingers can be used to bring to mind different things to pray for.

• thumb
  this is the strongest digit on your hand. Give thanks for all the strong things in your life, like home and family, relationships that support and sustain you.
• index finger
  this is the pointing finger. Pray for all those people and things in your life who guide and help you. Friends, teachers, doctors, nurses, emergency services and so on.
• middle finger
  this is the tallest finger. Pray for all the important people who have power in the world, like world leaders and their governments, members of parliament and local councillors, the Royal Family, other world leaders and their governments.
• ring finger
  this is the weakest finger on your hand. It can not do much by itself. Remember the poor, the weak, the helpless, the hungry, the sick, the ill and the bereaved.
• little finger
  this is the smallest and the last finger on your hand. Pray for yourself.

Bill Hybels also chooses to write down his prayers in a journal because it:

• helps him concentrate and be focused
• help him be specific
• help him see how God answers prayers which builds faith

Whatever you do, he encourages us to experiment with different ways to see how it works for us. But still Jesus provided us with the principles in Matthew 6:9-15 about prayer: regular, private, sincere and specific. And there is no substitute to praying except to just do it! No reading of books, researching on the internet is going to help but just do it!

So what are you going to do to raise the value of prayer in your walk with the Lord? What is different now and what can be different?

From FAI-lure to FAI-thfulness

Hi everyone,

Thanks for allowing me to share on Friday and for sharing with me too.

My Thanksgiving
I began by thanking God and as I looked through my weeks, I realised I had so much to thank God for:

1. I thank God for work; how he had moderated my work these few weeks especially when I wasn't feeling very well... there are just days when my volunteer mailbox had no emails to attend to and this is just rare considering that it is supposed to be a peak period with my fundraising project going on
2. I thank God for my dad's health; that he is cleared of Lymphoma, TB and HIV, although there is a chance that his current medical condition may lead to Lymphoma but then there is nothing I can do now except to trust God.
   
3. I thank God for my bonus and the recognition I have received at work be it from management or from volunteers and their parents
4. I thank God for showing me how there are still nice people throughout the time I did kettling and for sending passionate volunteers to me to busk in their passion to help
5. I thank God for my leg that the pain seems to be going away
6. I thank God for bringing comfort to me throughout the past 2-3 weeks and for speaking to me, by sending friends, bible verses to encourage and also through sharings by Nick Vujicic and Nanz-Chong Komo. I thank God for working with my negative emotions in my life.
   
7. I thank God for watching over a friend spiritually
   

On Failures
I thank God for bringing to me Isaiah 41:8-20 in time to share with cell. I was at a loss not knowing what to share for cell on Friday but God, you brought the verse to minister to me when one of my colleague opened his diary and there staring at me was Isaiah 41:10:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

It is interesting how so many bible verses were given to me this week but none spoke to me at such a deep level than this. It became clear that God had wanted me to share about the topic of failure and our propensity to feel we are so. God brought Nick, then Nanz and then He brought me Isaiah 41:8-20 and showed me how (i) He have chosen us and not rejected us; in fact we sometimes reject ourselves (v8-9), (ii) that we should not fear as God is with us (v10) and (iii) that through our weakness, God's glory will be shown as we stand as wonderful testimonies of His work (v18-20).

Hanging On to our Faith
Following Nanz's sharing, it became clear to me upon reflection that I am still learning to hang in there and trust God because sometimes when the tough gets going, it can be tough to hang on. But, I have learnt how the following have helped me to navigate through tough times:

1. How I still trust that God is real and in control from how I see Him work on a daily basis in my life; even though sometimes it takes a little reminding, I have come to trust that He has His plans for me (Jer 29:11)
2. How I stuck on in God's community because it is tempting to just pack and leave. God DO send people to uplift me, even though sometimes in surprising ways. I have also learnt that God can send people but then it is whether we sometimes open ourselves to help from them
   
3. How keeping a thankful heart (1 Thess 5:18) and seeing how God work in my life, through regular thanksgiving and through journalling have helped me to continue to have trust in Him.
4. How I believe I can claim on His promise made that He has His plans for my ministry and when He send me verses, circumstances, people and sharing to encourage me on, I can claim that promise

How are you keeping on?


Rescue
You are the source of life
I can`t be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you

Chorus:
Cause I need you jesus
To come to me rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name
By which I am saved
capture me with grace
I will follow you
I will follow you

My heart is your for life
I need your hand in mine
No one else will do
I put my trust in you

Bridge
I will follow you (This world has nothing for me)
I will follow you (This world has nothing for me)
I will follow you (This world has nothing for me)

My NLE Testimony

Within a month from my personal spiritual retreat with my colleague in Batam, I am back in Batam yet again, in the same resort, but this time, I am back with a group of guys from church, for the "New Life Encounter".

Why Did I Subject Myself to This?
We had to be at Harbourfront Ferry Terminal very very early and as usual la, always have trouble waking up. Anyway, managed to get myself to the terminal eventually, late by a few minutes, got my boarding pass and waited for the ferry. As I stood around waiting with the other 60 guys, I became beating myself up emotionally again; I remember asking myself "why did I subject myself to this, coming alone for this retreat? And now I am in the midst of these 60 guys who I do not know and the introverted side of me is making me so uncomfortable. How can I survive the next 2 days?" I began to utter a short prayer and pray for God to watch over these 2 days and help me keep focus that I am here to address some past hurts I have, to be healed. I urgently need a breakthrough because I am rather sick and tired of the me who is always yearning to connect with others and have and enjoy meaningful relationship with people, but yet, on the other hand, I withdraw when people try to get near to me for fear of disappointment and hurt.

The Time for Healing is Now
Months ago, God laid into my heart that I needed to deal with my issues of past hurts and unforgiveness, so for the first time, I decided to sign up for something alone (usually, I will not sign up for something without a companion). But now, as I stand amidst these guys, I began to wonder why did I agree to this in the first place. As men stood around me, laughed and talked, as families came and hugged, it made me feel more lonely than ever. As our bus drive pass the Indonesian houses, I see happy faces of people walking about in groups and in their families, greeting one another "selamat hari raya". At this point in time, I am really wondering if I will ever deal with my issues of unforgiveness and be able to connect and enjoy meaningful relationships with people. It is not that I am currently not enjoying meaningful relationships, because God has put in my life people who cares for me e.g. colleagues, family and friends, and who I am currently enjoying wonderful fellowship with. However, other than these people, I just find it so difficult to have an enjoyable fellowship with many others and how I yearn for the day that I do not withdraw again from relationships with people.

Friends Abroad
Haha, the interesting thing that happened is that as I disembarked from the shuttle bus, I realised the concierge guy staring at me and said "you again". Hahaha, he happen to be the same concierge guy who helped me and my colleague with getting a cab the last time we came about a month ago and it's amazing he recognised me still! We must have been very "memorable" guests ah for him to remember us. Messaged my colleague and he remarked that maybe the concierge guy remembered us because we did not tip him hehehe. Anyway, it was kind of a nice feeling being remembered and the concierge guy did come over to talk to me a little on the last day as we were waiting to embark on our shuttle to the ferry terminal. On the first night, I also saw two of my friends together at the lobby of the resort. We all remarked it is amazing how we don't bump into each another in Singapore but in Batam. What are the chances hahaha...

God's Work of Healing Begins
Although the retreat is only 2 days 1 night, it did seem like forever but I did kind of enjoy the retreat. As we began the retreat, we had a ice-breaker which required us to share in groups what we hope to get from the retreat. In my group, some shared that they wish to grow more with God, some to learn from God but I was the only one which shared that I needed God's touch in an area of hurt in my life. The fact that I seem the only one who seemed to need healing did make me wonder a bit whether I am one of the only few who needed healing. Maybe it is because this is a man's retreat and man generally have this egoistic front which takes some time to put down. Indeed, the dynamics in the first few sessions are so different from the later few when you can see man breaking down from their past hurts. It was deep healing taking place for some; many years of hurt, disappointment, unforgiveness, anger and bitterness.

Laying Unforgiveness Down at the Feet of our God
For me, I came prepared to deal with the issue of unforgiveness of my previous organisation, a friend who had betrayed me and a few others who have hurt me along the way, including loved ones. I thought I have forgiven them but to the contrary, the session has shown me that the hurt is still pretty raw and painful and forgiveness has not really been dispensed. The session began to also surface other areas of unforgiveness of myself for my sins and the hurtful things I have done to God. Some of these has been repressed for so long I almost clean forgotten about them. Eventually, we were led to pen down our own unforgiveness list (unforgiveness of others, of self and of God) and "dispose" of them into this "No fishing" box.

Throughout the retreat, I have come to learn about forgiveness:

• Forgiveness is being aware of what the person has done but yet still choosing to forgive just as God forgave us
• Forgiveness is choosing to keep no records of wrongs
  
• Forgiveness is choosing mercy and not judgment (Story of Unmerciful Servant in Matthew 18:21-35)
• Forgiveness is giving to God our "right of revenge" (Romans 12:19)
• Forgiveness is not approving, excusing, justifying, denying what they did, nor pretending we are not hurt

I am also reminded that:

• We are commanded to forgive (Matthew 6:14-15, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13)
• Christ Himself has set an example on the cross and in forgiving Peter for denying Him (John 21:15-19)
  I am reminded again of God's love for us to send Christ to die on the cross for our sins. Everytime I sing the song, More than Life, I can't help but be ministered to by the song (especially the bridge) and be reminded of His wonderful mercy, grace and love:
  
  
  
  
  
  More Than Life
  

  Stand by everything You said
  Stand by the promises we made
  Let go of everything I’ve done
  I'll run into Your open arms
  And all I know
  
  Chorus:
  I love You more than life
  I love You more than life
  
  Fall back on everything You've done
  Fall back on everlasting arms
  When all the world is swept away
  You are all the things I need
  You're the air I breathe
  
  How can it be
  You were the one on the cross that died for me?
  Lifted for all our shame?
  How can it be
  The scars in Your hands are for me?
  You are the king of all
  
  
  
• We are WIP (Work in Progress) in Christ; in so much so as that trials and problems does not go away immediately when we become Christ-followers and that we will grow as we allow Him to work in our lives
• God will never forsake us; He loves us and is set on not only reconciliation with us but also wants to restore us just as He restored Manasseh from false religion/occult sin (2 Chronicles 33:1-17), David from sexual sin and murder (2 Samuel 11-12, Psalms 51) and Peter from lying and betrayal (Matthew 26:69-75, Matthew 31-35, John 21:15-19). But God says "go and sin now more" (John 8:11)
  
• How the enemy will always use tactics to prevent reconciliation and restoration e.g. negative thoughts about ourselves and our relationship with God including any negative thoughts I have in my mind about myself and my self-esteem, which undeniably has affected even my ministry
  
• Why should I then allow unforgiveness to affect my life and make it miserable?
• How do I live my life? Body-Soul-Spirit or Spirit-Soul-Body? Which do I place first?
  

By the end of the first day, although I still could not fully forgive some of the people who hurt me, but then I do agree that I did feel a little less burdened by emotional baggage and unforgiveness which has piled up all these while. I have asked to also be prayed for the Holy Spirit to grant me gifts which would help me to lead my cell in glorifying God's name and to keep focused on Him, as well as for God to work in me to deal with my low self-esteem. And for the first time for a long while, I started to have dreams (or at least I can remember them) :) But then the funny thing is I can't recall what I dreamt about.

God Blessed our Fellowship
At the end of the first night, it was such a tiring day, I retired back in my room. But as I made my way back to the room, I was worried how I am going to spend the night with my room-mate. "Looks like it is going to be another quiet night since I am such an introvert" I thought as I walked. However, I thank God for dwelling amidst my fellowship with my room-mate. I thank God that we had the opportunity to share about our unforgiveness, our testimonies about how we got back to God as well as talked about "hearing" from God. I did not know how did the conversation started but it eventually took place and I felt that God has used our testimonies to edify one another. I always believe that testimonies need to be shared because it not only reminds us of God's grace, love and mercy in our lives, strengthens our faith but also serves to edify others as well as share about His love, grace and mercy with others.

God Speaks
Anyway, it was wonderful discussion with him about "hearing" from God because all these while I have wondered about it but have yet to opportunity to speak to anyone about it. I have always wondered "What do people mean when they 'hear' from God? Do they hear an audible voice or what? Do God speaks in a thunderous voice or what?" It has always puzzled me. I shared with my roommate how God had recently spoke to me in a rather audible voice, "Why do you doubt me?", during sermon, just when I was about to make the decision to step down from cell leadership. My roommate also shared with me how one day God spoke to him, in an audible voice, telling him to tell the friend who betrayed him that "He will bless him". You could imagine the disbelief my roommate had but nonetheless, he did tell his friend, who happens to also be a lukewarm Christian. Maybe God used my roommate to remind that friend about God, I don't know.

So it seems that God do speak, in an audible way, when He speaks. But the experience with Him so far is that, often, He speaks through people, the pulpit, His word and through circumstances. Anyway, we talked till about 1am and I believe that this wasn't so much a coincidental talk but God had blessed the sharing to edify one another.

Led to Blog
Anyway, it took me a real long time to get this testimony together because of my hectic work schedule this week. But I told myself that I needed to get this together because it is a landmark event in my spiritual walk with God and I just needed to have it blogged to remind me how God worked to heal some of the hurts in my life. I also felt led by God to blog about this as a reminder to my friends and loved ones out there. Are there areas of unforgiveness and bitterness in your life today? Are there any areas you find it difficult to let go? God is willing to work with you to heal you if you let Him do His work in your life...