Reflections of H1N1

Riverlife 1st eService (28 June 2009) from James Lim on Vimeo.

Hello everyone,

I am sure that you would have "attended" our first e-Service on Sunday. And I was thinking isn't it cool how despite the mini-crisis or major disruption" as SP calls it, our church is still able to rise above the situation and overcome it. As someone has put it, we have victory over the enemy!

I have to admit that when the H1N1 infections in Riverlife Church was first made known over a week ago and when the church was identified as one of the initial few community cluster, it had not been easy. All of a sudden, it seemed that the virus is coming to our doorsteps and affecting people around us; there was worry for people admist us who are working in the healthcare sector, people who have been infected, people who are suspected of infection, people who are unwell and also people who are overseas.

And there was suspicion whether or not I myself had also been infected. People around me were also coming up to me and asking me "you are from Riverlife right?". I even had a friend who was concerned about contact with me that ultimately a gathering was cancelled for peace of mind. There was fear, feeling of being rejected, worry, uncertainty. Though I would have to say that it is not a major crisis, it nonetheless affected me a bit throughout the week.

But, in recent days, I have had the chance to also reflect upon the whole experience and I would say that to me, the mini crisis seemed to brought on positive effects as well. I realised:

• how some were being pulled together in unity through this episode and how some cell, especially the central two cell which had 5 out of 10 infections in Riverlife. Some of us prayed for each other and for the situation as well
• how I can sometimes be inward looking and it took this episode to remind me that I should not take things for granted and only pray when something happens but that God cares for everyone too; that be it whether Riverlife has infections or not, we should also pray for everyone;
• the nature of the Church as people rised up to the occasion and who are willing to bless others by offering their time, effort and giftings for the sake of others; this as SP mentioned, is what Church is all about, not a building but the body of Christ coming together in unison for God and His people;
  
• how God provides for us despite the circumstance; providing us with technology that we are able to continue to be edified by SP and come together as a church in Spirit to worship and hear from God;
• how Riverlife Church is relatively well known now given all that happened, which makes me ask what's next for the Church? Is God positioning us for something that Riverlife could rise up to as we continue to seek Him?

I must say that Sunday's online sermon was powerful and it challenged me. As I sat there to hear from Senior Pastor, God placed in my heart the verse from Romans 8:31 (NIV) "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?".

Throughout the weekend, God seems to be asking this question as I did reflection for my foundation for cell leadership course and through the sermon:

"Will you still worship me in Spirit and in truth and trust in me?"

I may not know specifically what God's plans are but I do know He is real. To me, the uncanny coincidence about the second wave of revival starting with the youth and how the second wave of the H1N1 virus (as Minister of Health called it) was caught by our youth, may goes to show either (i) this is coincidence or (ii) something is happening and this is a preview of greater things to be done. Either way, I still think we need to grow in our walk with the Lord and have His power and glory manifest through us.

Within a few hours on Saturday and Sunday, I was also assured from Isaiah 40:31 (NIV) two separate times:

"but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

Will you stand firm and worship God in Spirit and in truth? After all, if God is for us, who can be against us? Will you believe in Him?

God Of This City

You’re the God of this city
You’re the King of these people
You’re the Lord of this nation
You are

You’re the light in this darkness
You’re the hope to the hopeless
You’re the peace to the restless
You are

There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done
In this city (Here)

We believe, we believe in You, God!

We want to continue to give thanks to God for all His healing and that all the Riverlife cases have been discharged. Let's also thank God for the many staff and volunteers who have worked hard during this challenge. Let's pray for God's favour and restoration and protection over them. Do continue to pray for our leaders as they lead us during the time of the calling to revival and could be susceptible to spiritual attacks.

H1N1 Updates from Riverlife Church

Dear all,

Our Senior Pastor has released a personal note to all riverlifers on the H1N1 situation in our church. You can read the personal note and also updates from church on the church website at http://www.riverlife.org.sg.

Please also note that there will be a pre-recorded service for this week which you can access from the church website from this Saturday. 27 June from 7pm.

I will keep you all updated of things.

Thank God that most of the those infected are doing well and recovering. Let's continue praying for everyone during this time.

James

Personal note from Senior Pastor 主任牧师的话

RiverLife Church
Note from the Senior Pastor
25 June 2009

Dear sisters and brothers in RiverLife,

As you are probably aware by now, RiverLife Church has been identified as a community cluster of local H1N1 infections. Since 19 June, ten H1N1 cases have been linked to our church (please refer to attachment). We have contacted all adults and youths who came into close contact with them, as well as their household members, to quarantine themselves at home. Thankfully, all ten of them are recovering well and no new cases have been reported since. I wish to thank the pastoral staff, cell leaders and members for extending their care and support to those hospitalised or under home quarantine.

As a precautionary measure, the church leadership decided to cancel our youth service on Saturday, 20 June, and our children's services and classes on Sunday, 21 June. This is partly because children and youths are more vulnerable to the H1N1 virus. My sincerest apologies to those who did not receive the notice and came to church with their children. I thank you for your kind understanding and cooperation with our staff and volunteers. To keep yourself posted, please check out our website at www.riverlife.org.sg for updates and announcements.

Last night, the Elders’ Board met and a decision was made to suspend all church-based meetings and programmes until and including Saturday, 4 July. These activities will resume on Sunday, 5 July.

There are a few reasons behind the implementation of these measures. Firstly, as one of the first two “community transmission clusters,” our risk level should be deemed even higher. We are concerned for the health and safety of our people and those whom we come in contact with. Secondly, this matter has received extensive media coverage on TV and in the newspapers over the past few days. It is important that we assure the public that we are doing all we can to contain this local spread.

Although we have not had any new infections since 22 June, this time frame from now until 4 July may still be a high risk period. Furthermore, we are expecting the return of many Singaporeans from overseas holidays during this time. The Elders’ Board has decided that it will be wise and socially responsible to suspend all our church-based meetings and programmes until 4 July.

In addition, I appeal to all RiverLifers not to visit other churches over the next two weekends. We wish to be considerate about the health and peace of mind of the other churches in our city. To ensure that you receive spiritual input during this time, we will post pre-recorded English and bilingual services on our website, which will be available for download from 7pm on Saturday, 27 June. You can conduct a family service or have a personal time of worship in your home. I have a message that I believe God wants me to share with you, so be sure to tune in.

This has been an unusual and challenging week for our church, to say the least. I want to salute the staff and volunteers for their herculean efforts in coping with all the last minute changes. They have served with excellence and great attitude. I also wish to thank RiverLifers for your understanding, cooperation and prayers. I am sorry we have not been able to update you sooner and faster due to our overstretched resources.

Why is this happening to us and how are we to respond to it? I will share more in the pre-recorded service, but suffice to say that whenever God wants to move powerfully in and through someone or a church, He will first allow us to be shaken, and then awaken us to pray and seek Him. I have not seen such a commitment to prayer in our church for a long time. We are even more convinced than before that God is sending an outpouring of His Holy Spirit upon us.

The devil is obviously not pleased, and will do all that he can to distract and discourage us when we are rising up as an army to impact our society and bless the nations. Yes, we must do what is socially responsible but we must not be thrown off by distractions or doubt. Let us stand firm and stay focused on what God wants to do. Let us seek purity, pray like never before and be united in our passion for God.

Let me end with the words in 1 Peter 5:8-9, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”

Amen.

Yours in Christ,
Rev Vincent Lun

To the Ends of the Earth

Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all you are

And I would give the world to tell your story
'Cause I know that you've called me
I know that you've called me
I've lost myself for good within your promise
And I won't hide it
I won't hide it

Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go, to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For you alone are the son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God
You are God

The Essence of our Faith

Our Father in heaven,

hallowed be your name,

your kingdom come,

your will be done

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

Forgive us our debts,

as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from the evil one.

Matthew 6: 9-13 (NIV)

For many of us, myself included, this is a very familiar prayer. The Lord's Prayer is the model of prayer which the Lord Jesus taught His disciples on how to pray.

More Than Mere Words
I remember days in the past when I used to recite this daily in school, not fully appreciating the prayer and what it means. At that time, I just know it as something which I needed to say every morning, mouthing literally empty words and not knowing what it means to pray the Lord's prayer.

In fact, the Lord Jesus warned about the heart condition when praying; that it should not be "for display" of one's holiness or one which has lots of babbling of words. In Matthew 6:8 it tells us that our Father knows what we need before we even ask Him. So, Jesus teaches us the Lord's Prayer and as we discussed about it yesterday, I have come to realise how amazing it is that a short prayer like this can cover quite a bit. In 52 words, it covers our desire to praise God, to pray for God's kingdom, for God's will, for our daily needs, a reminder for us to forgive as we have been forgiven by God, to pray for God to guide us in our walk with Him and to help us in our daily struggles with sin and the enemy.

The Lord's Prayer sets the background for Dr Joseph D' Souza's sharing last week and I would say it was a refreshing perspective for me. For a long time, even after having appreciated the Lord's Prayer, I have thought of it mainly as a prayer for myself but the sermon has challenged me and helped me see how it is also for God's children too:

• "Hallowed be your name" (v 9) -
  
  Application for Self - Do we desire to hallow God's name, glorifying it? Is God just a genie who brings you out of the pits and who continues to grant your wishes or is there something more to it? How are we hallowing His name? Do we sometimes even profane His name through the things we do, just like how some shared about believers being a bad testimony? How do we deal with that when we see it?
  
  Application for our relationship with others - Hallow His name as we help others with their difficulties, help them to know God, draw near to Him and even praise Him. But how will others praise God when they do not even know Him? Dr Joseph D' Souza mentioned that many, like the Dalits (the untouchables), do not know that they are made in the image of God and that He loves them. As someone have put it nicely, you might be the only way in which people can see Jesus. What are you doing about this? Are you helping others to know God, to have His power work in their lives and praise Him?
  
  Matthew 5: 14-16 (NIV)
  "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
  
• "your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as in heaven" (v10) -
  
  Application for our relationship with others - in this part of the prayer, there is not only a desire to see God's kingdom be established and His will be done, it also provides us an opportunity to respond to His work. Dr. D'Souza aptly highlighted about how even in the most advanced and greatest kingdom on earth, there will still be hurting, lonely people. Perhaps, as KK has shared, we will never get to fully fathom the full extent of the greatness of God's kingdom now but we may each have a part of the kingdom to show others. What is your picture of God's kingdom that you can show others? Are you showing it? Do you trust that God can work through you in having His will be done here? Do you have faith that you can play an instrumental role in having God's will be done here on earth as in heaven?
  
  See the parable of the cracked pot.
  
• "Give us today our daily bread" (v 11) -
  
  Application for self - For many of us, this might be what constitutes as a major part of our prayer and yet for others, it might be a struggle as they continue to wonder if they can trust in the Lord to provide for their needs. Just as we are reminded in a later part of Matthew 6 (after the Lord's prayer), in Matthew 6: 25-34, we are assured that God knows what we need and He provides. Nerve-wrecking as it may be for some but the fact is that God provides even though it may not be in the way we expect it. But on the other extreme, I am also reminder that our God is not a genie or like one of pagan gods where our only prayers are just about blessings.
  
  Application for our relationship with others - But importantly, as Joshua has shared, upon reflecting why we have been given so much while others lack, what does it tell you? As Gary Haugen said it aptly in Global Leadership Summit 2008 (something which made me think and which is stuck with me as I walk with the Lord): Why have we been given so much amidst suffering of others? So we can be a channel of blessing from God to others.
  
• "Forgive us our debts, as we also forgiven our debtors" (v 12)
  
  Application for self & relationship with others - I was doing quiet time this week and I have come to realise how we are called to love one another. Ideally, this is good, because we have been reminded in scriptures by Jesus, to love God and our neighbours; the greatest commandment of all (Matthew 22: 36-40). But, I do know sometimes we have people who fail us and it becomes difficult to dispense forgiveness. But yet we are reminded by Christ not to let the sun go down while we are still angry. In my life experiences so far, I have learnt that the person who lose out is usually myself; in my anger and unforgiveness, I live a life of defeat and of bitterness. At the end of the day, it robs us of joy and it also divides us.
  
  See articles on dealing with unforgiveness and anger.
  
• "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one" (v13) -
  
  Application for self - We are reminded how we are not to play around with sin and to ask for God to be around us to help us resist the enemy and his schemes in our lives, whose aim is to derail us from God's love... We need God's power in helping us to deal with this daily.
  
  Application for relationship with others - Dr. Joseph D'Souza points to the need for social justice and how it is not enough to just treat the wounded but also to stop the perpetrator in continuing to do harm, but through righteous ways. We saw how Jesus had been held back in His dealings with the Pharisees and religious leaders whose hearts were hardened and who misguided His people from following God. He rebuked them on several occasions. In the same way that we may be the only way in which others can see Jesus, how can we help others who are oppressed by evil and do so in righteous ways?

The Christian Faith
After having gone through the Lord's Prayer, I continue to do my quiet time through the week. God made me reflect on what the Christian faith is really all about. Though I am not trained theologically, the arbitrary conclusion I got as I read His word is that the faith is about reconciliation with God, both for ourselves and for other people.

It is, as Jesus has put it, about loving God and our neighbours as ourselves.

God has saved us from the pits but then it does not stop there. God loves His children as well and He does not want "anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentence" (2 Peter 3:9). You are valuable to Him but so are His other children.

The apostle John wrote in 1 John 4: 9-12, which spoke to me this week:

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. "

The command is clear: love God and your neighbour, God's fellow children.

And James clearly states that your love without action or faith without deed, is dead. See article on "Faith without Deeds vs Love and Action"

We can learn from Jesus as He came to show us the way to proclaim our faith, not merely through words but also through action just as He went around and made a difference by healing, speaking the truth, forgiving people of their sins and giving them hope and peace.

How will you respond to this?

Faith Without Deed vs Love in Action

I read this from a devotion this week and thought it was a clear picture about faith and actions:

Imagine for a moment that you embark on a mountain-climbing expedition somewhere
in the Colorado Rockies with your good friend. At some point along the way, you
lose your footing and find yourself in the precarious position of dangling off
the edge of an icy two-hundred-foot cliff by one finger (let's make this
dramatic). You are screaming for your friend, crying out for help.

But he doesn't reach down to help you. Instead your hiking buddy
begins to eloquently intellectualize and verbalize his love toward you. He even
begins to experience all kinds of wonderful, blissful feelings about how much he
loves you and how much he will miss you when you fall to your death on the rocks
below. He tilts his head ever so slightly, bites his lip, and says, "I love you
so much. I'm just overwhelmed with loving feelings toward you right now."

Would you call that love? Of course not! You would most certainly
call that something other than love--maybe cruelty, apathy, or hatred. Yet so
often we define love as some nebulous emotion or sentimental words when in
reality, love is so much more than feelings. Love is primarily manifested
through action. Love is something you do.

I think the picture is clear (and drama) enough. God demonstrated love in action by sending His son, to be crucified and to die for our sins so we might be reconciled to Him.

James mentioned in James 2:14-26 about how faith without deed is dead.

If you profess to love God, His commands, His people, then don't stop at just proclaiming it, demonstrate it as God has done, with love and not as actions without love.

Be it uttering a prayer for someone who is in need, helping someone, going on missions, big or small, show your love for God and His people through your actions, actions filled with love.

Cracked Pots

Jason shared this story yesterday and I thought that it was a wonderful reminder how sometimes we need not be "complete" in our own understanding of things before God can use us. A lot of times, we will want to wait till we are all perfect and fine before we choose to play a role in God's plans but have the faith to know that God can use you no matter what.

Just when you think you are not making a difference, think again. You are valuable in God's eye and so can you play an instrumental role in bringing others who God treasures back to Him. Thanks Jason for the wonderful sharing of the story.

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked
pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it
still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took
advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We are all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Father's table. In God's great economy, nothing goes to waste. So as we seek ways to minister together, and as God calls you to the tasks He has appointed for you, don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and allow Him to take advantage of them, and you, too, can be the cause of beauty in His pathway.

Source: http://www.creativeyouthideas.com/blog/devotional/cracked_pots_1.html

Dealing with Anger

Hello everyone,

Received quite a few articles on the topic of anger recently and thought of sharing and hope it will bless your hearts.

I am sure this is not a topic that is unfamiliar to us and truth is that we will all face with the issue of anger in our life and the issue seems not to be with anger, as Jason had once aptly point out in cell but how we respond when we are angry. The articles remind me, coupled with my own experience, how destructive anger can be in our life and even in our relationships with each other and with God.

Recently, while doing my quiet time, I was brought to Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV) and it reminds us

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

I am a person who seldom erupts and whenever anything happens that makes me angry, I would usually need time away to think through matters and how have I been wrong myself. But then, I have also realized that the longer I take to think about thing, the greater the potential for it to fester into something unhealthy. Maybe that is what the bible calls “do not give the devil a foothold” because “the devil came to “steal, kill and destroy” especially everything which is of God including our relationships. And we also know how when we are angry, we will also sometimes say things we do not mean and later realized the negative impact of it. Do not give the devil a foothold and test every spirit of things that goes through your mind when you are angry; asking God to give you wisdom to know what is not of Him and not righteous, even thoughts of how you might be unworthy.

So, even though these articles are long, I do hope that it will bless your heart, regardless whether or not you are facing issues of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness now or in the future. Remember God’s word on anger.

Do not let anger, unforgiveness and bitterness rob you of your joy. God has shown me that the answer to it all is Him; that, as He knows what our hearts are going through, to trust in Him that He can work things out. After all, shouldn’t the Christ-like life be one which is filled with the Spirit, one filled with the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). For me, I have allowed bitterness to control my life for close to 2 years (and most of the time, while we suffer, the people who caused the bitterness seldom even are bothered by it) and having let God deal with it, it has helped me to be freed… my chains are gone….

Don’t Hold on to Offenses, Communicate!

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrendered and begged for mercy. I had become addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house,our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people' s habit; slowly you will get used to it." Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter,whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes,and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war,hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of nfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.

Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was xpressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.

As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment.He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:

“Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion.. ..

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."...... ..

This is a true story.

LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!

I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience.... This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge. People please let's live a life devoid of grudge. Communication is key.

Take greatest care and live on

"I'm Feeling Angry"

When you are angry, the first positive step is to admit to yourself that you are angry. Say aloud, "I'm feeling angry." The second step is to ask God to help you handle your anger in a positive way. "Lord, help me to do what is right and good with my anger." The third step is to ask, "Did someone sin against me?" If so, the biblical answer is to lovingly confront the person and seek reconciliation.

On the other hand, if you are angry simply because something happened that irritates you, ask "What can I learn from this experience?" If the other person habitually arrives late for your appointment, perhaps you can talk with them and negotiate change. Thus the anger has served a positive purpose. God wants to teach you how to handle your anger in a godly way.

When you are angry, be sure to get the facts before you take action. You hear your spouse tell someone on the phone, "I'll be there tomorrow night." You know that tomorrow night is your date night, so you get angry. Before you storm in and say something harsh, take time to ask, "Did I hear you promise someone to do something tomorrow night?" Your spouse says, "Yes, I told mom I'd bring her blanket by. I thought we could do it either before or after we go out to eat."

Your anger subsides because you took time to get the facts. Often we jump to conclusions about what someone said or did, and we accuse them in anger. We ruin a perfectly good evening because we failed to ask questions.

Adapted from Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman's resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com.

With blessings.

11 Be Still And Know (Ps 46_1-2, 10).mp3 -