Dear God,
This is a long overdue letter to you (and I know it deep within my heart). I had recently started typing this letter but somehow did not know what should go into it; I had wanted to adequately express my gratitude for all that I have received from you; your grace, your blessings, your forgiveness. But somehow, sometimes I get a mental block...
Transformation A Year On
It has been a year now since I came back to Christ and it is clear to me how much my life has changed over the months. Not only have I grown spiritually, I have also seen how, from a broken person I was last year, my life has now changed for the better. Sure, I still struggle with certain issues but it sure feel comforting that you are watching over me... A year ago, I had to contend with strained relationships, a friendship that was coming to an end, and having to resign from a job I liked so much and facing the uncertainty of being jobless. All these came crashing down on me at the same time and I was sure that I was at the "bottom-mest" of the pit. Never would I have imagine that a year on, I am being blessed with another job which I love so much, blessed with wonderful people, friends and colleagues around me and you have also helped nursed the strained friendship back to almost the way it was... (Picture "White Clock" by Fenix
)The Return
In fact, one of my friend joked that I was made to go through all these so that I may have the opportunity to come back to Christ. Though, this was mentioned jokingly, I had never doubted that it might just have been so. I remember being baptised when I was just 12. But at that time, I did not know what it meant to be a Christian. All I remember was that the baptism was a very unique experience that still amazes me till this day. Though young, I remember coming out of the baptism pool feeling like a new person... it was as if the old me was washed away... it is a feeling that I am not able to describe fully even up till this day.
Anyway, after that, I just went on with the motion of being a Christian and soon drifted further and further away from you. I stopped going to church and backslided. My life was going so well to the extent, I felt that it was blessed, but I seemed to have forgotten about you. This went on for one year, two years, three years and lasted for some fifteen years. To be trueful, I did thought about returning back to Church but then the fear of being looked down upon as a backslider has prevented me from doing so many a times. I kept thinking "I do not need to go to church to be connected to God. As long as I have God in me, these are all but protocol". In fact, this was how I felt up till the personal crisis I faced last year. I remember tendering my resignation and while I was thinking where I will be going next to work, I recall telling myself... "definitely not a christian organisation since I will be looked down upon as a backslider.". But little did I expect that you already have a plan for me to return to you after fifteen years. You sent friends to support me during the crisis and you also sent a friend (who I was unlikely to keep in touch with) to minister to me and invite me back to church. I will always remember the words spoken by this friend which has touched me:
"the fact you feel this shame and remorse (of being a backslider) shows how much faith you still have in God. You will always be welcomed back into God's arms and God is always there in times of need, not failing us but only we failing him."And when she subsequently asked me to visit her church, it was surprising that I agreed (though reluctantly) because I would usually decline. This paved the way for my return to Christ. The "dramatic happenings" at that very visit just made everything seem more than coincidental e.g. the incident where I lost my wallet (and was reminded by my friend when she came to return me the wallet: "hope you will be like your wallet, once lost but now am found") and the coincidental "40 days" mentioned in "The Purpose-Driven Life" and the 40 days to my last day at work. You continue to speak to me through church service, week after week. I recall that when I first came back to church, I was feeling terribly exhausted and burnt out at work. You helped me back onto my feet and the sermons during that time was on burnout and how to refocus to get back on track. Then subsequently, whenever I faced a struggle, you always had a sermon to minister to me that very same week. Even though I have drifted far away from you, you have not forgotten me and showed me much grace.
Your Blessings
Then, something unthinkable happened: upon learning about my resignation, my current boss asked me to apply for my current position. I recall telling myself before this that I will not apply for a job in a Christian organisation but things just seemed to fall into place and I was now going back to church and that paved the way for me to join a christian organisation. In fact, during the interview, I was asked about my spiritual maturity and I frankly told them that I had backslided but have recently gone back to church. I was no longer in bondage by my inferiority about my backsliding.
You subsequently gave me the job and I could see why I was called to my current job. You helped me to surface my skills in setting up systems and that was just what my current organisation needed; a volunteer management system. Despite being totally new to volunteer management, you continue to bless me everyday so much so I realised at my recent appraisal that so much have been achieved in this one year. Many could not believe that I am new to volunteer management and yet could achieve what I did. In fact, I was also surprised but I gather that this would not have been possible without your blessings. I continue to see your hands guiding the work that I do e.g. whenever I needed a particular kind of volunteer, that volunteer will just come knocking on our doors. In fact, everything just falls into place nicely and at the right time and there are just new blessings every day that just continue to convince me that you are real.
Going into a Spiritual Desert
Then, I went through a period of spiritual desert and a bit of that still persist today. I recall going with my friend to watch "The Da Vinci Code" and I started having so much doubts about you. Even though so much have happened to show me that you are real in my life, I began to have doubts nonetheless. You eventually won me over again and I am convinced about you. Then you called me; you called me to minister to others who came into my path so they will get to know you. I wouldn't say that I had been very successful but I am amazed how you worked through me. Many a times, I worry what I should say, but you never fail to provide me with opportunities to share about the gospel and also the say the right things at the right time. I also thank you for watching over me when I visited the cult and thank you for keeping me in your protection. (Modified form picture by "mancity")Your Calling
Sometimes, the calling gets very tough and I withdraw and somewhat pretend not to hear the calling (just like Jonah). I even ask questions like "why me?" and felt that "I am so new and spiritually immature". You have continued to call out to me through sermons and various ways to remind me of my calling e.g. I recall one time when I ignored the calling to minister to my friend in the cult, there was the sermon on Jonah and Jonah just kept coming back again and again through sermons, through my colleagues (who were passing around a DVD about Jonah) and also during department devotion. You also reassured me about my calling when I was in doubt whether I was fdoing your will e.g. how you sent a colleague to travel with me as I went to meet my friend from the cult and incidentally, she had the book "Knowing God's Will" with her which she loaned to me.
You have taught me hard that I may not reap but may just have sowed the seed... just like how you have worked through me in talking to my friend in the cult, to my fellow sister-in-christ who is undergoing a very rough patch, to a part-timer who was also drifting away from you and how you allowed me to use my testimony to encourage her. I have also reaped harvest and am glad to see that a friend and my sister back in church. Of course, there are also a few others which I had not been able to reach out to but I sure hope to share the gospel with them... as a way of sharing the good news about salvation through Jesus Christ.
You continue to show yourself real through bible studies. In recent weeks, I have come to realise that the bible is not just any other document but a chronicle of your covenant to us; your unfailing convenant that we will get salvation not by good works but through Jesus Christ. The study of the books of Romans in recent months has shown me how your redemption plan is still in place and how many of your prophecies have came true. I also see the link between happenings in the past as chronicled in the bible and current situations as seen in the promised land of Israel and the middle east.
My Commitment
Though I still feel that I have drifted a bit away from you, I sincerely wish for you to be back in my life and to touch me and work through me to bless others. Just like what an elder shared a few weeks ago during sermon, I want to be like a river; it starts from a high point and as it meanders down, it feeds many animals along its course, carve out majestic landforms and waterfalls etc. Although by the time it comes to the end towards the dead sea it is muddy and dirty, it has served it purpose and has been a blessing to many before it came to the dead sea.
I also want to ask for your forgiveness for all the times I have disappointed you. I am like the prodigal son but even though I have returned, I can't help but feel I sometimes upset you. I also thank you for your grace which I witness everyday. I recall one of my friends sharing about this... if God hasn't been graceful, with so many people sinning against Him every second, He could have got so angry and just wiped the whole human race out just as He did during Noah's time. I also recall reading a comic strip about the grace of God and how instead of rain coming down in one big drop, He sent it down in many small droplets.
Amen.
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