Which Sorrow? My Testimony (Coming Out of Depression)

2 Corinthians 7:10-11 (NIV)

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.

This morning, as I did my quiet time, I came across this passage. And it seems that God was trying to capture my attention as one part of the passage sprung out to me. As I read the verses again, I sensed God telling me that sorrow is always here with us, because we live in a fallen world and simply because we are created by Him to have emotions. No matter how much we try, even with our very best, to avoid sorrow and regardless of what others tell us about being able to escape sorrow when we choose to be happy, the truth is: sorrow is here to stay. And I am sure, as you are reading this, God may bring to mind periods where you have been through sorrow, over something which may have happened to you, over a loss or even over someone else. We need to face the truth and come to terms that sorrow is normal because we are just not robots with no emotions. The difference though is the kind of sorrow: Godly and worldly sorrow.

Some of you may not know but I have been battling with depression for the last few months. It has been a rough year since July 2011. The year saw me preparing for my wedding and renovations of our new home and being stressed out by all the decisions that need to be made for it, facing my dad’s diagnosis of advanced stage lung cancer in August 2011 and coupled with it, the uncertainty of how we are going to cope with it physically, emotionally and financially, striving to understand all the medical jargons being spewed out to me and trying to stand tall to make decisions about care plans for my dad and also for his treatment, shuttling to and from work and hospital to accompany my dad, facing the news of the death of my wife’s beloved grandfather, subsequently dealing with my unexpected but eventual departure of my dad due to pneumonia, facing news of my wife being diagnosed with large fibroids and requiring surgery, facing the unexpected and sudden death of my cousin who we have reconnected back just a few months back before my dad’s passing on and so on. And all this while, I was running low in my “tank” and on my strength while trying to cope with worrying and ministering to people in ministry, while trying to deal with past hurts in ministry and previous work stints, cope with work, worrying about health problems that surface one after another in the last few months and also negative thoughts in my mind that I am unworthy. Yes, by the time my cousin passed away suddenly in April 2012, I found myself starting to crumble under pressure. My depression was starting to worsen and I found myself being dazed, had no interest in anything, had an insatiable appetite, was quiet and at times and had wanted to even break down and cry when I am alone and outside. Life was getting too difficult to bear and even though I had no courage to commit suicide, I remember praying before sleep that God will just take me away in my sleep that I can be far away from all these. Have you felt this way before?

I asked God what have I done to have to go through all these? But even though with that being said, I still trusted God because He had seen me through many trials in the past before and has revealed Himself real as He worked in my life in many miraculous ways. Trust me, if you live my life, you will know what I mean. There are many miracles and blessings that just shows God is real. I held on to God and He continue to bring me much assurance of Him being with me.

And some of His assurances are captured in my thanksgiving journal, beginning at the church camp on 8 Jun 2012:

Even though with all the assurance, I did not quite understand why I was going through all these.

At first, I thought that it might have been spiritual attacks because just before my depression told a dive for the worse in end May when my cousin passed away suddenly, I received two unique experiences and knew that the Lord might be calling me to a greater works:

So, in my heart, up till the time of my first Healing & Wholeness session last Saturday (14 Jul), I had sensed that it might be spiritual attack from Satan.

However, as I read the verse from 2 Corinthians 7:10-11 above, I sensed that God is also telling me that He needed to work with me as a person to prepare me for greater works.

On 11 Jul 2012, I wrote these words in my devotional as God impressed on my heart that morning:

As I read it , yes, it does speak of abundant life in God in this fallen world, but more so, it made me realise that God was doing 2 things here to me: (1) Asking me to go back to the source of abundant life; Him and not anyone else and (2) Growing me as a person.

In fact, I have so focused on verse 2 about trials that I forgot about verses 3-4 which says: “knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing”.

And today, going back to 2 Corinthians 7:10-11, it is as if God bringing me full revelation of what He wanted me to learn and that sorrow has been but an instrument of perfecting me. Indeed, I felt spoken to that there are two kinds of sorrow: worldly sorrow and godly sorrow. One brings life and one brings death. Sorrow apart from God or worldly sorrow, can make us feel so hopeless and brings physically, spiritual and psychological death but godly sorrow drives us towards God, towards Hope.

Look at how the Message bible puts it:

Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.

I thank God that in my distress, I had not let go and continue to seek Him. And yes, surprising to some, God allows distress to sometimes bring us to our knees to come back to Him and rely on Him. And we HAVE the choice to turn our sorrow, which is unavoidable in life, to godly sorrow or worldly sorry. What is the Lord telling you in your sorrow?

I used to interpret verse 10 as only for those who have yet to know God, but today God shows me that, in fact, we all need to repent from our imperfect ways and when sorrows come into the picture, God can use it to turn us around.

I thank God for how He brought me back to Isaiah 41:9-10 just as I prepare to facilitate worship with Min Qin, Joyce and Joshua for the first time with the young adults in my church last Friday (13 Jul). God reminds me that I am in His hands. He had given me this verse a few years back when I was going through another rough patch, which I overcame and grown from it.

The Lord says (Isaiah 41:9-10 NIV):

I took you from the ends of the earth,
    from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

How do I know that God has turned things around for me? Frankly, as I type this, I do not know what lies ahead me (no one knows) but then what surprised me is that how God quickly turned things around over just 2 hours. I had been depressed and getting increasingly depressed over the last 1 year but over just 2 hours at the Healing & Wholeness counselling session, God turned things around. It has to be God! And I know that God is holding my hand no matter what.

I leave the depression behind knowing and confirming once again God is real in my life and that I only need get my love and source of life from Him and not anyone else or anything else. I lost my dad but I now can rely on my Daddy God.

And so God says and reminds in closing:

2 Corinthians 7:11 (MSG)

And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart..

May this bless you and encourage you to look to God in your sorrow. Stop running away from sorrow but allow God to work in your sorrow as you turn your worldly sorrow into godly sorrow which brings hope.